


Strong Enough to Break

by Yukina_Hintachi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Cas with Scars, College AU, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Homophobia, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Death of a Character, Physical Abuse from a Parent, Slow Burn, Strong sexual content, Verbal Abuse from a Parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-01-30 23:40:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21436600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukina_Hintachi/pseuds/Yukina_Hintachi
Summary: Dean was nervous about starting college. He didn’t like the thought of leaving his little brother Sammy all alone with his parents, but Sam assured him he could handle them. He also didn’t want to be a lawyer, but saying no to his father wasn’t exactly an option. How was he supposed to be the person John Winchester expected him to be?Cas was scared to death of going to college 2 hours away from Anna, the only family he had left. But he had to do this, he had made a promise. How was he supposed to be the person that Michael had wanted him to be?When Dean had first met his roommate, he had thought he was a little weird. And he definitely had a dark, complicated past. But underneath his scars and his awkwardness, behind those piercing blue eyes, Dean found something in Cas that he didn’t expect. Like at all. This definitely didn’t fit into his dad’s plan for his life.Looking at his roommate was like looking into the sun. Cas immediately fell for Dean’s green eyes, freckles, and gorgeous smile. But he couldn’t let himself get close to anyone again. He couldn’t betray Michael’s memory like that. Besides, he was probably just being pathetic pining after someone who would never want him.
Relationships: Castiel/Balthazar, Charlie/Dorothy, Dean/Castiel, Dean/Lisa, Sam/Jessica
Comments: 15
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Supernatural fanfic, and the first fanfic that I’ve written in a really really long time, so positive feedback is much appreciated. 
> 
> This is a College AU. It deals with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, as well as some verbal and physical abuse, just in case those are triggers for anyone. I’ll warn you at the top of each chapter though.
> 
> And just to warn you as well, this is very much a slow burn, but don’t worry, it’ll be well worth the wait! :)
> 
> I’m posting the first chapter and I hope to post the second one in a week or so. Let me know what y’all think!

CHAPTER 1

Thursday, August 15

DEAN POV

“Dean, time to get up!” 

Dean groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, putting the pillow over his head. No, he wasn’t ready for today. He felt the familiar weight of guilt settle in his gut, and his heart jump in his chest. ‘Just breathe. You have to be strong for Sammy.’

“Five more minutes, Sammy,” he grunted.

Sam came into his room, plopping down hard, shaking the whole bed.  
“Rise and shine!” He laughed and shook his shoulder.

“I swear to god, Sam.....” Dean lifted his head, letting the pillow fall to the side.

“Come on, Dean, you gotta check in by noon. You can’t sleep the day away. Besides,” Sam gave him his notorious puppy eyes. “I’m hungry.”

Dammit, Sammy knew that would get him. He gave Sam his best bitch face.  
“Seriously, you’re gonna pull the puppy eyes? What are you, seven?”

“It worked, didn’t it?” Sam grinned at him and jumped away as Dean reached to grab him. “You have to be faster than that to catch me!” He stuck his tongue out at him, made a face, and raced out the door.

Dean smiled after his little brother. ‘Okay, guess I need to get up and get ready. Gotta finish packing and everything, too. Dammit, why do I have to be the responsible one?!’

“Alright, alright, I’m up!” He begrudgingly stood and pulled on the first shirt he saw and his jeans from yesterday. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand and headed out his bedroom, down the hall to use the restroom.

When he got downstairs, Sam was sitting at the bar on his normal stool. Dean jabbed him in the side as he passed him to enter the kitchen.

The kitchen was huge with dark blue cabinets and stainless steel appliances. The island in the middle matched, with light gray granite countertops. Everything was immaculate, to the chandelier above, to the stone tiles below.

“What ‘cha want today?” He started pulling pots and pans out of the cabinets.

“Hmmm...I’m thinking your special chocolate chip pancakes since it’s your first day of school,” Sam grinned at him. 

“You got it,” Dean returned the smile and started in on his requested meal. He always made chocolate chip pancakes for Sammy on his first day of school. It was something of a tradition Dean started when he was old enough to cook. Sam always loved when Dean cooked for him, so he was happy to do it.

Sam’s smile faded and his eyes took on a solemn expression.  
“Why do you have to move into the dorms? I mean, we already live close enough, you could drive every day.”

‘Aw man, I knew this was coming.’ He sighed. “Sammy....we’ve been over this. You’re gonna be fine without me, I promise. I’m only a phone call away. I’m gonna come see you on the weekends. You and Jo can even come visit me sometimes. It’s gonna be fine, hell— great even.” He hated leaving Sammy behind, but he had to. It was expected of him.

“But Dean—I don’t know how to do this without you....Mom and Dad, they’re—“

“It’s gonna be fine, Sammy. You know I wouldn’t leave you here if I didn’t think that.” Dean gave him a knowing look. Sam had always been the favorite child, Dean accepted that a long time ago. He knew his parents wouldn’t be too hard on him while he was gone. Sam huffed and nodded.

“I know, I know....I’m just—gonna miss you, that’s all.” He paused. “Jerk.”

“Bitch.” Dean winked as he flipped a pancake in the pan.  
Sam shouldn’t have had to worry about stuff like that. He deserved a normal childhood with normal parents. He definitely had to make it a point to make good on his word, for his brother’s sake. 

Sam perked up, “Hey, can I come with you today?”  
“Nah, I don’t need my kid brother dropping me off at school,” he teased. Mom wouldn’t like it if he took Sammy with him. She made it perfectly clear that Sam was to stay at the house today in case she needed him. He was really not in the mood to piss her off today...no thank you.

“Come on, Dean. I want you to have somebody there for you, even if that’s me.”

“Sammy....” Why did this kid have to be so sweet sometimes, dammit.

Dean’s pocket vibrated and he pulled his phone out.  
‘I’m heeeerree!!! ;)’

He smiled down at his phone.  
“Hey, that’s Jo, go let her in, will ya?” Dean pointed with the spatula towards the living room, and Sam jumped up. 

When he came back, Jo was trailing behind him with a shit eating grin on her face.

“What’s up, Dean-O, Mr. Big-Man-on-Campus?” She came over and he gave her a side hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Ooo pancakes!”

Dean feigned annoyance, but winked at her.  
“Sit down, how many do ya want?”

“Hmm, I think three will be fine today, my good sir.” She said in a horrible British accent and plopped down on the stool next to Sam.

“Righty-o, miss,” he played along in his just as horrible accent. 

“You nervous yet?” She said, back to her normal voice. Jo flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and peered at him with that knowing look. Besides Sam, she was always the best at reading him. He could never hide how he was feeling from her. Guess that’s what happens when you grow up with someone. He loved Jo, but more of a sisterly love. He knew she wished it were more than that, but he just couldn’t make himself feel that way about her. 

“A little, I guess. But Benny’ll be there, too, so I’ll be good.”

“Jo, tell Dean to let me come help him move into his dorm room,” Sam said. 

Dean groaned. “Hey, do y’all want these pancakes or not? ‘Cause I’ll eat all of them on my own if I have to!” Dean threatened and pointed his spatula at the plate that had been slowly filling up with the fluffy, chocolate chip delights.

“I think that’s a great idea, Sam!” Jo said over dramatically and giggled. Dean muttered something along the lines of ‘traitor’ under his breath. “I would go, too, but my mom needs my help dealing with her Bridezilla of the month, uhg .” 

Jo’s mom Ellen owned a high end wedding and special event venue, and she spent a lot of time helping her out. She absolutely hated it, but she did it for her mom. Dean and Sam have even been known to help her out a lot on weekends. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Ellen paid them pretty well for it. 

“Sammy, I don’t need you to come with me, I’ll be fine.”  
“Dean, come on, I want to go check out the library there, is that too much to ask?”

“Oh, so the truth comes out! Alright, alright. But I’ll have to bring you right back or Mom’ll be pissed if she finds you gone.” 

Sam pumped his fist, smiling. “Yes!”

‘Hopefully Mom will be unconscious long enough so she doesn’t realize he’s been out.’

Dean started to stack three pancakes on each of their plates and slid the syrup over to Sam.

“You know, I really am going to miss your ugly face when you’re gone,” Jo smiled as she took a big bite of her pancakes.

Dean felt the familiar pang of guilt and the weight in his gut come back. ‘Everything will be fine, Dean. Everything will be fine.’

CAS POV

“Cas, come on, it’s gonna be fine!” Anna laughed as she pulled him up the stairs. They just got finished checking in at the front, and were given the key to his dorm room. This was his first day of college at KU. 

Cas followed his best friend, trying not to think too much. He could hear his heart beating in his chest. ‘Just breathe. Just breathe.’

Anna unlocked the door, opening it. Room 232. This was it.

“Look, nobody here yet! Which means, you get first pick of beds.” She walked across the room and winked at him, putting her purse down on the lone desk. 

There were two twin sized beds, one on each side of the room, with a desk and chair against the wall in the middle. Two tall plain dressers sat against the walls at the foot of each bed, and there was a small bathroom on the right. 

Anna laid down on one of the beds and put her hands behind her head. “Uhk, these are just like the ones in the group home. Lumpy,” she made a face.

“Well, at least it will feel like home. I’m used to lumpy.” Cas set his duffle bag down on the opposite bed and sat down. “And at least I’m only sharing a room with one person instead of five.” 

“Good point,” Anna sat up and joined him in looking around the room. “Hopefully your roommate’s hot.” She smiled at him, wiggling her eyebrows up and down and Cas shook his head. Leave it to Anna for that to be a top priority. 

“Looks are not at the top of my list at the moment. I’m just hoping he doesn’t hate me and want to switch rooms.” He looked down, starting to feel the feelings he told himself he wasn’t going to feel today. ‘How am I going to make it through this? I can’t do this by myself....’

Cas ran his fingers over the deep scar that crossed down his left check. It’d become somewhat of a nervous habit, which he hated. It only drew more unwanted attention to it. 

“Hey, no one could ever hate you.” Anna turned serious, crossed the room to sit by him and took his hand in hers, stopping him from tracing the scar. She used her other hand to turn his face, so that she could look him in the eyes. 

“This is it, Cas. You did it. You’re keeping your promise to him. He would be so proud of you. I’m proud of you.” Unspoken words and emotions crossed between them and Cas nodded, feeling tears come to his eyes. He clenched his jaw harder to stop the tears, along with the memories that kept popping up in his mind.

“I just— I miss him.” Cas looked away from her, down at their joined hands in his lap. “I wish he could be here.”

“I know. Me too.” Anna nodded and tightened her grip on his hands. “Hey, but we said no tears today, remember? It’s a happy day!” She suddenly jumped up and pulled him to his feet, twirling around, giggling. He knew she was trying her best to cheer him up, so he forced himself to go along with it. 

She grabbed Cas’ hands again, getting him to join her. Cas was laughing, but he pulled away as two guys entered the room. 

He immediately dropped his gaze and crossed his arms. He hated meeting new people. He never knew what to say. 

“Hey, come on in! Is this your room, too?” Anna greeted them.

“Uh, yeah, sorry to interrupt. Hi, I’m Dean, and this is my little brother Sam.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” he heard the other boy say.

“Hey, you, too. I’m Anna, and this is Castiel. Guess y’all are roomies,” she nudged Cas, and he finally looked up at the two strangers. 

The first thing he noticed was his eyes. The brightest green eyes he had ever seen. And then his freckles. So many freckles, perfectly assembled on his face. Then his lips. 

The most—

‘No,’ Cas mentally scolded himself, gritting his teeth. He forced his eyes to look away, on to the younger one. Brown shaggy hair and a warm, friendly smile on his face.

‘Say something dammit.’

“Hello.” His voice came out grainy and deeper than he meant it to.

“Hey,” A confused expression briefly crossed Dean’s face, but then he grinned and walked further into the room. Passing them, he dropped his black duffle bag onto the bed, and Sam followed, rolling a suitcase behind him. Cas and Anna backed up to make room for them in the small space.

“Casti-el? Am I saying that right?” Dean looked over at him and their eyes met again. Cas had to fight to control his heart rate. What was wrong with him? He was just a guy. He decided it was best if he didn’t look directly at him. 

“Yes.” 

“But you can call him Cas if you want, that’s what his friends call him.” Anna smiled brightly at Cas and wiggled her eyebrows at him suggestively. He gave her a side warning glance.

“Well, nice to meet you, Cas.”

“If you want to switch beds, I’m not opposed to it, I can move my belongings,” Cas rambled off quickly.

“Oh no, this is fine— doesn’t really matter to me,” Dean shrugged and tucked his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. 

Cas nodded and looked awkwardly around the room, not sure what to say. He was never really good at talking to people. Math he could do, numbers he could understand. People were a different matter. 

“That’s kinda an unusual name, Castiel. Where’s it from?” Sam asked. 

Cas noticed him looking at his scar, and realized he had been running his fingers across it again. He quickly lowered his hand, internally kicking himself.

“Castiel is the angel of Thursday’s.” He hoped they didn’t ask about his scar. He was barely holding it together as it was.

“Huh, that’s cool. So I’m guessing your family is religious?” 

He noticed Dean nudge his brother, but Cas just gave his vague, go-to answer, not really wanting to get personal.

“I suppose.” 

“Hey so, Cas and I were gonna go get some lunch. Did y’all want to come with?” Anna knew he was uncomfortable. Leave it to her to save the day. 

“Oh no, we can’t, I promised to take Sammy to the library so he can geek out on all the books, then I gotta take him back home. Thanks, though.” 

Cas could tell that Dean was just teasing his brother, and could see the affection he had for him in his eyes. It was nice to see. 

That only led him to think about Michael. He missed being able to see that same look in Michael’s eyes when he looked at Cas. His heart ached at the thought of him. He missed him so much. It had been almost three years, but sometimes it felt like it was just yesterday.

“Oh okay. Well, you’ll probably see me pop in here every once in awhile to check on Cas, but we’re from Wichita, so it’s kinda hard to come this way all the time.”

They ended up talking for a while longer, just small talk, but Cas kept drifting in and out of the conversation. He just couldn’t seem to concentrate. 

After parting ways, he and Anna went to lunch before she had to catch the bus back to her apartment in Wichita. It was nice to sit in companionable silence, not having the pressure of coming up with something to say. He knew she was worried about him, but that was nothing new. ‘I’m worried about me, too.’

When they arrived at the bus station, it was truly time for her to leave.

Anna flipped her long red hair over her shoulder, along with her purse.

“Dean seems really nice, Cas. I think y’all will get along just fine. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s extremely gorgeous,” she added.

Cas shook his head. He didn’t have the energy to think about that right then. He couldn’t find the words for how much he was going to miss her, and wasn’t sure how he was going to make it without her. 

“Hey,” she took his hands in hers, forcing him to focus. “It’s gonna be alright, you know that right? Don’t make me worry about you.”

Cas made himself smile and nod. “I know, Anna, I’m sorry. I’ll be okay.” 

“Call or text me if you need anything, okay? Promise?”

“I promise.”

She kissed him on the cheek and then she was gone.  
Cas ran his fingers along his scar again, thinking of Michael. Always Michael. 

It was later the same day, past dinner time. Cas had been keeping himself busy unpacking what little belongings he had. Everything was in its place, and his bed was made. He should probably eat something, but he found he wasn’t hungry. Must have been his nerves.

Dean must still be out with his brother, which was fine by him. He didn’t know how he was going to handle sharing a room with someone like him. Anna was right, he was gorgeous. His mind flashed back to those green eyes.

‘Don’t even think about it, Castiel.’

He steered his train of thoughts away from that. He couldn’t get close to anyone. Not like that. Not that anyone would want him anyway; he was too broken.  
Cas traced his scar and decided he needed a distraction. 

He went to his backpack and got out his old Calculus textbook. It was worn down and tattered, but he always kept it with him. Numbers never failed to soothe him. Numbers didn’t require feelings or emotions. He could try to forget things, if only for a little while. 

Cas sat at the desk and opened it up to where he left off. He had done these problems a thousand times, but he always started back at the beginning to do them all over again. He pulled out his new notebook and pencil and began solving the equations. 

Immediately he felt himself calming as he worked the familiar problems.

Cas didn’t know how much time had passed, but he was fully lost in the numbers and repetition, his concentration on the page in front of him, his focus solely on his work.  
He was startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He gasped and looked up. Dean was there, quickly withdrawing his hand. 

“Sorry, man, didn’t mean to scare you.”

Cas shook his head and tried to calm his heart that was currently trying to beat its way out of his chest. “It’s alright...”

“I was, uh, just asking if you’d eaten yet...I had the other half leftover if you wanted it.” He saw Dean had placed a wrapped sub sandwich on the desk next to him.

“No thank you, I’m not hungry.” Cas went back to doing his problem, not looking at him and trying to calm down. 

“Oh, okay. Just thought I’d offer.” Dean shrugged and went back to his bed, plopping down. “I’m thinking of getting a mini fridge in here, a lot of people are doing that. Ya know, that way we can keep some food in here, save some money, that kinda thing.” He took off his shoes and laid back on his unmade bed, hands behind his head, like Anna had done only a few hours earlier. “I’ll share it with you, of course. I mean, we can put our names on our own stuff, however you wanna do it.” 

Dean kept talking and Cas tried not to look over at him. He tried not to notice his green eyes again or those adorable freckles. He for sure didn’t notice those full, pink lips or that his T-shirt had rose up to reveal tanned skin, and perfect hip bones.

“Cas? Hey, you in there?” Dean started waving his hand, laughing.

“Oh, um, yes, I apologize.” He had to stop wandering off like that, especially down that road. 

“I was askin’ if you were goin’ to the party tonight.” 

Those green eyes met his and Cas had to take a moment to process what he said.

“Party?”

Dean gave him a questioning look and sat up. ‘Great, he probably thinks you’re an idiot...’

“Yeah, there’s like a start-of-the-school-year party thing going on tonight. Thought it’d be fun, ya know, to meet some new people and everything. Don’t tell me you don’t do parties?”

“Thank you, but I don’t think I should.”

“Ah, come on, man, why not? It’ll be fun.”

Cas shrugged and turned back to his textbook on the desk. ‘God, he probably thinks I’m the biggest jerk right now.’

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?”

He paused, not really knowing how to respond. He really should say something. He wasn’t trying to be rude, he just....couldn’t get close. 

“Okay then. No prob. Guess I’m gonna get ready and go.” Dean got to his feet and started digging around in his suitcase that was still unpacked.

Cas pretended to focus on his book as Dean went into their shared bathroom with a change of clothes. He heard the shower start up. 

Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm his nerves, and looked at the wrapped sandwich Dean had left for him. Dean was being nice to him, like he actually wanted to be his friend. Cas sighed. God, he really was a jerk. His stomach clenched and he felt the guilt twist in his stomach. 

Dean emerged from the bathroom a good ten minutes later. Cas turned to look up at him from the desk chair, and his heart skipped a beat. He’d dressed in fresh clothes, jeans and a casual T-shirt with some band name on it. His blonde hair was still a little wet as he ran his fingers through it. Dean turned to face him. Their eyes met, and Cas’ stomach did another flip. 

Clearing his throat, he worked up the courage to apologize. “Forgive me, Dean. You’ve been very kind to me, and I’ve been, well...I have not. It’s just— my people skills are a little rusty.” 

Dean’s eyes softened and Cas felt his face heat up. “No, man, it’s all good, I understand. No hard feelings.” 

“And thank you for the sandwich.” Cas decided to add in. 

Dean smiled at him, and it was a little like looking into the sun.  
“No problem. So, hey, you’re more than welcome to join me still, if ya want.”

Castiel thought about it for a moment, weighting the pros and cons, but ultimately he didn’t think he was mentally capable right then. 

“Thank you, I really do appreciate the offer, but I think I will stay here. I don’t think I can handle crowds at the moment.“ 

Dean paused, giving him an inquisitive expression. 

“Okay...I guess I’ll see ya later then.” With a nod, small grin, and a wave of his hand, he was out the door. 

DEAN POV

Dean was having a good time at the party. There was loud music playing, people dancing, couples making out, laughing, everyone with beers or red solo cups, and generally enjoying themselves.

Dean had a beer in his hand. He was talking to his best friend, Benny, and some other guys Benny had met earlier. 

He’d been laughing and flirting with a few of the girls hanging around them, even got a few of their phone numbers and everything. So why did his mind keep going back to his new roommate?

Cas was weird, he had to admit that, but there was something about him that he couldn’t quite shake. Dean was normally good at reading people, but Cas seemed to be different, his expression always so...neutral? Blank? 

And he had an oddly polite manner that was a little out of place as a college freshman. The guy had obviously been through some rough shit, too, what with that scar on his face. He sure as hell wasn’t going to ask him about it, but he couldn’t help but be curious. 

And his eyes...Dean felt weird thinking about another dude’s eyes, but man, they were the bluest eyes he had ever seen. You couldn’t blame him for noticing them, anyone would. 

“You alright there?” Benny nudged him and took a sip of his beer. 

“Yeah, uh, just getting tired, is all,” he grinned back at him. “Think I’m gonna head back. Been a long day.” 

“Yeah I hear ya...I’ll walk with you, come on.”

They said their goodbyes to everyone as they threw their empty bottles away, and headed out the door and down the street. 

He and Benny had been best friends since the third grade, he was basically like another brother to Dean. He sure was happy that they were both able to go to the same school still.

It was nice to have a familiar face with him at college.  
He would never admit it to anyone, but Dean had been scared shitless to start school, even if it was in the same city he grew up in. There were so many expectations to live up to, so many challenges to face. He was glad he didn’t have to do it alone. And Benny knew him just about as well as Sammy and Jo did.

“What’s up, man? For real. You seem distracted.”

“Ah, you know, just worried about leaving Sammy, that’s all. Don’t want Mom and Dad taking their crap out on him now that I’m gone.”

“Sam can handle himself, man. Hell, he’ll be taller than you pretty soon!” Benny laughed, grabbing onto Dean. 

He and Dean swayed a little, trying to regain their balance. Yeah, so they might have been a little bit buzzed, Benny more than him. 

“Shut up,” He slugged Benny on the shoulder, but had to grab him so he wouldn’t fall over.

“How’s your roommate?” Benny inquired once he was steady again. 

“He’s okay so far. Mainly just quiet.”

“God, you’re lucky. Mine won’t shut up for the life of me. And he’s always eating some kinda candy, there’s candy wrappers everywhere, man. I dunno, dude, but if I go crazy, he’s the reason.”

Dean chuckled, “Yeah well, no killing ‘em, that tends to be frowned upon.” 

“Aaaww, come on, you’re no fun!”

They laughed and joked around some more as they finally make it to his dorm, Dean just trying to go through the motions. He couldn’t quite place why he was in a mood.

“Alright, see ya later, bro.” 

“Good luck with your roomie.”

They did their ceremonial fist bump and Dean headed into the building, holding on to the support bars as he went up the stairs to his room.

He unlocked the door and went in, shutting it as quietly as he could. It was dark, but there was a glow from an alarm clock, (Cas’?)and as his eyes adjusted, he could see Cas in his bed asleep.

‘Ah shit, I didn’t even make my bed yet.’

He found his blanket and sheet, and once he cleared off the bed, set it up as best he could. He tip-toed to the bathroom, and accidentally flushed out of habit. 

‘Shit!’ 

He froze, hoping it didn’t wake him up. Hearing nothing, he quietly made his way over to his bed, and stripped off his jeans, so he was just in his T-shirt and boxers. Taking one more glance at Cas, he got into bed, and quickly passed out.

What seemed like moments later, he was awoken by a low moaning. Still in a haze, he rolled over, trying to ignore it.

“No....stop...please....” He heard someone breathing hard, but he was still in a fog, not understanding what was happening.

“Please........Stop......” The voice was getting louder and Dean finally lifted his head, looking around.

“No, stop! Michael!” Realizing that the voice he was hearing was Cas, Dean sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

‘What’s happening? Nightmare...?’

By this time, Cas seemed to be full on hyperventilating and Dean instinctively crossed the small space to sit on the other bed by his sleeping form.

“Hey....Cas, wake up, man...” Dean shook his shoulder. Cas flinched, curling more into the fetal position he was in, still trapped in sleep. 

“Michael! No! Please don’t leave me! No!” 

Dean could see tears streaming from his closed eyes, his chest heaving with each sob. Sweat was soaking his shirt, and his dark hair was sticking to his face. He could feel him shaking underneath his hand on his shoulder.  
Cas made a choking sound, his face scrunched up in pain, and Dean’s heart twisted as panic started to set in. He needed to wake him up!

“Son of a bitch! Cas! Come on! Snap out of it!” Dean shouted at him this time, shaking him harder. “Cas!” He kept shaking him. “Wake up, dammit! Cas!”

Cas gasped as he sat up with a start, and Dean had to quickly lean back, out of his way. His eyes were wide with terror, and he was still trembling from head to toe. Tears fell from his eyes as they locked with his.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s just me. Dean.” He tried to use a soothing, gentle voice and held his hands up in a non threatening gesture. 

Cas suddenly, eyes wide, pushed past him to run to the bathroom. He slammed past the door, and then Dean heard the sound of him throwing up into the toilet. 

‘Jesus....what is happening right now?’ Dean looked at the alarm clock- 2:46am. He ran his hands down his face and groaned. 

He heard Cas still heaving in the bathroom and knew he needed to help him in some way. He went to his gym bag, pulled out his empty sports bottle, and brought it and his cell phone off the desk with him to the bathroom door. He turned his phone screen on so that he’d be able to see in the closet-sized space, not wanting to blind him with the regular light.

“Hey, Cas, I’m coming in,” Dean said softly as he slowly opened the door. 

Cas was on his knees in front of the toilet, now dry heaving and coughing. Dean set his phone on top of the sink, unscrewed the lid and turned on the faucet, letting the water fill up the sports bottle. He crouched down next to Cas, and tentatively put a hand on his back. His shirt was soaked in sweat and he could still see tear streaks going down his face. He felt his labored breathing underneath his hand.

“It’s okay, Cas. It’s okay.” Dean repeated this off and on, unaware of how much time passed. 

As Cas’ breathing returned to normal, Dean started to notice more scars, running all along his forearms. Cas still hadn’t said anything, and Dean’s heart couldn’t help but break for the guy.

‘What happened to him? Are there more scars on his body? And who’s Michael?’

His mind swirled with so many questions. He knew better than to ask him, though, so he stayed quiet. If he wanted to talk about it, he would.

After Cas seemed calm enough, Dean held the sports bottle out to him, trying to be of some use. Their eyes locked as Cas took it.

Even in the semi-darkness, Dean could still see his deep ocean blue eyes. His stomach did a flip. He was frozen as he watched Cas take a long drink. 

Shyly, Cas looked at him again and sat back against the tub, facing him. He wiped his face with his sleeve. This was the most emotion he’d seen from him. He looked scared and vulnerable. 

“I apologize, Dean. This is incredibly embarrassing. I— I didn’t mean to wake you.” His voice was low and hoarse.

Dean shook himself out of his stupor. 

“Dude, you don’t have to apologize for anything. S’not your fault. You okay?”

“I can request a room change if you prefer. I don’t wish to be a bother.”

“Hey, Cas, it’s okay, man, I promise. I’m not gonna make you switch rooms just because you’re having a rough night.” He had to stop himself from chuckling at the guy’s politeness, even in a situation like this. 

Cas tilted his head to the side, a questioning look in his eyes. Those big blues were so full of hurt and skepticism.

“Why are you being so nice to me, Dean?”

“I’d like to think I’m just being a decent human being.” He paused and continued, softer. “I’m guessing you haven’t met too many of those.” He had meant for it to be more of a joke, but as he said it, he realized it was the wrong thing to say. 

Cas had probably had it a lot tougher than most people their age, and he probably didn’t appreciate a reminder.  
He hurried to cover it up. 

“It’s okay, you don’t know me, you don’t have to explain anything to me. It’s just....does this happen a lot?”

Cas broke eye contact as he looked down at his hands. 

“No. Not as much as it used to. It hasn’t happened in a while. I’m sorry. I suppose it’s just been a hard day.”

Dean nodded, trying to be as understanding as possible.

“Well, come on, let’s get you off the floor so you can get cleaned up.” He stood then, and offered his hand out to him. 

Cas tentatively reached out and grasped it, and Dean pulled him upwards. Their eyes met again as they stood face to face, Dean just a tad taller, and he froze, breathless all of a sudden.

Once he felt Cas wouldn’t fall over, he quickly released his hand and mentally shook himself. He wanted to ask him so many questions, but he held back. 

Cas broke eye contact by turning and flushing the toilet. Dean decided he probably wanted a little privacy and exited the bathroom after grabbing his phone. He wandered back over to his bed, now suddenly exhausted. He was definitely sleeping in.

He watched as Cas came out and pulled some clothes out of a drawer, then went back, shutting the door behind him. He saw the light come on from under the door and heard the shower start up.

Dean laid in his bed, and stared up at the ceiling, trying to relax enough to go back to sleep. Too many questions were running through his head, and confusing emotions swirling around in his psyche. 

Looked like the guy had emotions after all. Maybe whatever happened to him was the reason he felt he had to lock it all inside. Hell, Dean was no stranger to pushing aside his feelings, it was practically a Winchester genetic trait. Maybe there was more to Castiel than meets the eye. 

When Cas finally emerged from the bathroom in fresh clothes, he went to his bed and laid back down. Covering himself up with his blanket, he turned on his side to face him, and Dean did the same. 

They locked eyes again in the faint light, and Cas broke the silence. 

“Thank you, Dean.”

Dean couldn’t help but give a little smile. 

“No problem.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas meets Benny and you find out a little more about his past.  
Cas is also learning to trust Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I’m posting Chapter 2 a little early because I’m too excited! 
> 
> Let me know what you think! All feedback is very much appreciated!

Friday, August 16

CAS POV

That morning, when Cas finally decided to just call it quits and get up after not sleeping the rest of the night, he quickly got dressed in his workout clothes. 

By suggestion of his therapist, he had started running about two years ago. Running seemed to help clear his mind, and that was exactly what he needed at the moment. Plus, he wanted to be able to get out of there before Dean woke up.

Not that Cas wasn’t grateful to Dean. Because he was. Immensely. But he was also absolutely mortified. He spent the whole night replaying the scene in his head, and each time, he grew more and more embarrassed. 

‘God, what must he think of me? I’m such a freak.’

But Dean had been nothing but nice to him. No matter if he was rude, waking him up, or almost throwing up on him, Dean had been nothing short of an angel about it all. Cas didn’t understand. Nobody was nice for no reason. What did Dean expect in return? What did he hope to get out of it?

‘What if he uses this against me later on? Would he really do that?’

Cas had to take a deep breath to calm his nerves. With one last look at Dean, he opened the door and locked it behind him. 

Cas made his way down the hallway, going down the stairs, and out the door into the open air. It was late August, so it was a bright and sunny morning, everything green and the sky blue. Not at all how Cas felt on the inside.

He just needed to distract himself and stop thinking so much. 

Especially about Dean and his kindness. The way he stayed with him the whole time, and even brought him water. Or how his voice was so gentle and full of concern. About how he didn’t ask all of the questions that were probably going through his mind. And he definitely did not need to think about those green eyes.

‘God, you’re so pathetic, Castiel....just because he was nice to you does not mean he’s into you.’ Cas mentally berated himself.

When he arrived at his destination, he took in the scent of freshly cut grass, and it made him feel a little better; this was his comfort zone. With no one in sight, he started his normal stretches, feeling his muscles waking up. 

But between Dean and those green eyes, his mind kept wandering back to his nightmare. The one he had been having for the past three years now. The one he would probably have for the rest of his life. 

Brown eyes and dark skin covered in red flashed in his mind. There was so much blood. It was all his fault...  
Cas took a deep breath. He had to focus on something else.

He pulled out his old iPod and earbuds. Well, Michael’s old iPod. He had listened to the songs on it a million times, and he probably would a million more. It was one of the only things he had left of his best friend. 

Michael had been the first person to ever give a damn about Castiel, to believe in him, to accept him for who he was. He was always there for him, no matter what. Even in the end, Michael had given his life for him. He would never be able to forgive himself for that. 

All his fault...

Shaking the images of blood from his mind, he forced himself to concentrate on the task at hand, to focus on putting his energy into something physical. 

Cas put his earbuds in, and started up the playlist. He took another deep breath, trying to center himself.   
Taking off at a slow jog, he made his way around the track, focused on controlling his breath. His lungs filled with air, and with each exhale, a little more stress went with it. 

This was his routine, this was what he needed in order to make it through the day. Wake up, eat, workout, school, homework, sleep. Repeat. He could do this. He could do this on his own, he had to. 

After his run, he decided to wander around campus. He told himself it was to get a feel for the layout, but in reality he knew he was just avoiding going back to the room.

He debated going to the library but decided against it, since he was still sweaty from his run. After awhile he noticed people giving him weird stares, so he headed back to his dorm room, hoping Dean wasn’t there. He wasn’t ready to face him quite yet. 

When he entered the room, his wish had been granted, as it was devoid of life. Taking a change of clothes and a towel with him, he went into the bathroom and started up the shower. 

Cas let the hot water fall down his back, massaging his muscles thoroughly, and tried not to let his mind wander back to that night. He knew it wasn’t healthy to keep dwelling on it, knew he had to move on. God knew he’d been through enough therapy sessions for him to know what he was supposed to be doing, but it was a lot easier said than done. Run, eat healthy, focus on school, focus on his goals. Make new friends. 

That was the hardest one for Castiel, it always had been. He had always been the outcast, the odd one out, but he was used to it. He had had Anna and Michael, and that was enough for him, he had been content with that. They were his family. 

But that was all gone now, his once imperfect perfect life was no more, destroyed by his own hands. If only he could take it all back...it was all his fault....

‘Get a grip, Castiel. You can’t keep doing this. Think of Anna.’

Finishing up his shower, he turned off the water and started to dry off. He ran the towel up his arm, down the scars that were etched deep into the length of his forearm and bicep, a painful reminder of that night.   
Scars from cuts and warped, melted skin from burns marked his body everywhere he looked. He couldn’t escape them, couldn’t escape the daily reminders of his mistakes. 

Sighing, he got dressed in a casual long sleeved T-shirt and jeans. He felt his stomach growl. By now it was a little early for lunch time, but after his run, Castiel was ready to eat. 

He knew there were lots of places to eat on campus but also within walking distance, so he randomly picked a way to go once he was back outside. 

A little ways down the street, he saw a small, modern brick building with bright blue scrolling letters, announcing the name: ‘The Blue Halo Cafe.’ He decided to go in and give it a try. 

Cas was used to being on his own, but it still made him nervous to be around people. He didn’t like it when they stared at the scar on his face. Unconsciously, he traced his fingers across it. 

He got in line to order, and looked up at the menu that was posted above the cashiers. Being that he was on a strict budget, he picked a cheap sandwich, and asked only for a cup of water. He was given a number, then went to a table to wait for his order. To kill the time, he pulled a book out of his backpack and started reading.   
A few moments later, a voice startled him. 

“Hey, Cas.”

When he looked up from his book, Dean was sliding into the booth across from him, smiling as if they were best friends.

Those bright green eyes, the ones he had been trying to avoid thinking about, shone back at him. Cas’ stomach did a flip before he could stop it, his heart picking up the pace, and he put his book aside.

“What are you doing here?” He blurted out. What were the chances of them ending up in the same place? 

Dean laughed, giving Cas goosebumps.

“Um, eating, just like you, I’m assuming. How ya feeling?” Dean asked the question casually, but Castiel searched for meaning behind them. 

Was he actually concerned for him? Was he there to taunt him about last night?

“I’m— I’m alright. Thank you.”

“Good,” Dean said. 

They were momentarily interrupted when Cas’ order was placed on the table. Cas nodded at the server and they walked away.

Not knowing what else to say, he centered his plate in front of him and looked down at it.

An awkward silence filled the space. Was he really just wanting to talk? Cas was trying to get a feel for him; he had been friendly enough, but that didn’t always mean anything. 

Just a minute later, Dean’s food was delivered to the table. 

“Thanks, man,” he said as the server turned to leave.

He then picked up his sandwich and started to eat. Actually, it looked more like a burger. It was a little too early for a burger for Cas’ tastes. 

He knew he should start in on his food as well, but his stomach was all in knots now. He was never good in social situations, especially with someone who had been witness to him puking his guts up the night before.  
He looked up at Dean, still not finding any words.  
Dean laughed as he chewed his food.

“Man, you don’t have to be embarrassed or anything. You gonna eat?” 

He let out a sigh of relief. So he wasn’t here to make fun of him. Did he actually want to be friends? What was his angle? As gorgeous as Dean was, in his experience, guys like him were never just nice. 

“Yes. I’m eating.” Cas quickly picked up his sandwich and took a bite, his stomach protesting. They ate in silence, Cas having to drink lots of water to force the food down.

“So, uh, what’s the deal with you and that Anna chick? Y’all together?” 

Confused at first, Cas almost shook his head, but realization dawned on him that he could take advantage of this misconception. 

“Oh, um, yes. We are.”

Dean nodded, “She’s cute. Good for you. Y’all been dating awhile?”

“Just a year now, I believe.” Cas was just improvising now, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty about lying to Dean. It was just that he had never told anyone about who he really was. (Well, besides Anna and Michael.) 

Plus he wasn’t sure how Dean would react to sharing a room with him if he knew. He just couldn’t risk it. 

“Pretty cool. I’ve never been able to make things last for more than a few months. Who knows,” Dean shrugged. “Maybe I’ll click with someone here.”

“So, you are not seeing anyone then?” He wasn’t sure why he asked, it just came out. 

“Nah, I’m kinda just enjoying the single life right now, ya know?” he said. “Figured I can take my time. I’m definitely not in a hurry to settle down or anything. Which, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He gestured to Cas, indicating his and Anna’s fictional relationship.

“Right. There isn’t anything wrong with being single, either.”

“Exactly. Of course, to my parents, it’s the end of the freakin’ world,” Dean gave him a lopsided grin and Cas stared. He had to force himself to concentrate on the conversation and not on Dean’s full lips and freckles. 

“Your parents want you to settle down? You just started college. That doesn’t seem very logical.”

“I know, right? I mean, how does that make any sense? But, since they got married young, they think I should do the same. My mom keeps trying to set me up with all her friends’ daughters. It gets annoying real fast.” 

“Well...that’s unfair.” Cas was surprised that Dean was sharing such personal information with him. That was a good thing, though. Friends were supposed to do that, right? He was having a hard time believing that this was really happening, but he was trying to give Dean a chance. He could only hope he wouldn’t regret it.

“What about your parents? Do they like Anna?”

Cas sighed. No matter how many times he got asked about his parents, he was never really certain how he should answer it. Not to mention, it always made people very uncomfortable.

“Well, seeing as I don’t have any parents, I guess I don’t have to worry about that.” Cas tried to make a joke out of it, but in reality he knew it came off wrong, and he felt himself turning red. 

He really hated having to explain his situation, especially when he went to school. Teachers would always want to meet with his parents, or have detention slips signed.   
Dean looked taken aback by Cas’ statement and he stopped eating.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” 

“It’s alright. They didn’t die or anything. Or, I guess they could have, but I don’t know either way. I don’t really remember them. I grew up in the foster system.” He said it matter-of-factly trying to sound nonchalant about it.  
He could tell Dean didn’t know what to say. Cas tried to fill the silence for him.

“Anna, too. That’s actually how we met, in a group home. I was twelve, she was thirteen.” Cas smiled a little, remembering Anna sitting across the table from him, her red hair shining. She had started talking to him that day and just never stopped. 

“Well, I guess sometimes we make our own family.”

Cas almost got whiplash as he looked up, gasping. Good thing he hadn’t had food in his mouth, or he was pretty sure he’d be choking.

His heart started pounding in his ears as Castiel stared at Dean. How could this man have come up with the same words Michael had said to him the first day they met?

‘We make our own family.’ Michael’s words echoed in his mind, and Cas had to mentally shake himself, and stop the tears that were all of sudden forming. 

Clenching his jaw tight, he looked at Dean, careful to mask the storm of emotions he was feeling, only giving a brief nod and small smile. 

Dean grinned back at him, those green eyes radiating nothing but kindness and understanding.

This couldn’t be just a coincidence, there had to be more to it than that. Cas couldn’t help but think maybe this was a sign. Was Michael giving him a sign? A sign for what, though? 

That maybe it was okay to let his guard down this time? That it was okay to trust Dean?

Cas’ heart twisted with longing in his chest.   
What did it all mean?

He spent the remainder of his time eating turning these thoughts around and around in his head, reeling from the weirdness and confusion of it all. 

After eating, they went their separate ways, Dean going to find a friend of his, and Cas spent his time in the library. That was his other comfort zone, and it did its job of distracting him efficiently, much to his relief. 

That night, before bed, Dean finally got around to unpacking the rest of his things, and they talked a bit more, mostly about their respective majors, and why they chose them.

Cas was surprised that Dean was going for a law degree, that didn’t seem to fit him at all, but he then explained that it was his parent’s choice, not his. His parents seemed very controlling, but then again, maybe that’s how most parents were. Who was he to judge? 

A Mathematics major fit Castiel perfectly, and he felt a flare of pride when Dean agreed, his bright smile beaming at him. 

Maybe Michael was giving him a sign after all. Maybe Dean really was just a nice guy, and everything was going to work out for once. Maybe he had actually found a friend. 

Something a little like hope started to bloom in his chest. 

Saturday, August 17

DEAN POV

Dean was worried about Cas after that first night. Luckily he didn’t have another nightmare last night, but it made him wonder what could’ve happened to him to cause such horrible dreams. He still wondered about who Michael was, but Dean didn’t want to over-step. They had just met each other, after all, so he kept his questions to himself. Dean was just happy to have a decent roommate, someone that could maybe even be a friend. 

Cas was weird and awkward, sure, but he was also pretty cool, in his own way, and Dean found that he actually liked talking to him. 

He woke up early the next morning ready to start his normal routine and get used to his new environment.   
Having played football all through high school, his coach had gotten him used to running every morning. Dean had discovered that he enjoyed running, and it was sort of another outlet for him, so it had simply become a part of his morning ritual. Well, almost every morning. He gave himself a free pass to sleep in on occasion.

Sam had even started running with him this past year. Man, he was gonna miss that part of their day together. He was gonna miss Sam, period. It was going to be really weird not having his little brother around bugging him all the time. 

Dean went into the bathroom to change into his workout clothes, and brush his teeth, trying to be as quiet as possible, so as not to wake up his roommate. 

When he was done, he exited the cramped space, and found Cas awake. 

‘Well, so much for being quiet.’

“Hey, man,” he greeted in surprise. 

Cas turned toward him, his expression as hard to read as ever. 

“Hello, Dean.”

Man, he was strange, but for some reason, Dean liked how he said his name. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“Oh, no, you didn’t. I woke up on my own accord. I normally go for a morning run, so I was just getting ready.” He paused and seemed to notice Dean’s apparel. “It appears you are doing something of a similar nature as well?” 

Not for the first time, Dean was amused by his formality, but he brushed it off in his surprise. Cas seemed like a decently fit guy, but it was definitely a shock. What were the odds?

“Yeah, I’m actually going for a run, too. You wanna go check out the track with me?” 

A small grin graced his lips. “Yes, thank you, I would like that.” 

Dean smiled, but breathed a laugh, when the dude started putting on a bright red workout headband, along with matching wristbands, straight out of a bad 80’s workout video. 

He was trying to control his laughter, but it was hard. Hey, at least he didn’t have on short shorts. 

“Alright, there, Richard Simmons. What’s with the 80’s get up?” 

Cas looked down at himself, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

He went over to him and pointed them out. “These things, Olivia Newton-John.” 

Cas just looked more confused than ever.

“I don’t know these people you are referring to, but this is my running gear. Their purpose is to catch sweat, and I have found them quite useful. I found them at a thrift store for only a dollar.” 

“You-,” he had to take a beat. “Okay, I’m going to ignore the fact that you just said you don’t know who Olivia Newton-John is.” 

Dean couldn’t believe this guy- what rock had he been living under? He also couldn’t help but crack another smile. It was actually kinda enduring. “You wanna know why these things were only a dollar? Because no one has worn them in decades, man.”

Not wanting Cas to think he was making fun of him, Dean playfully snapped the headband on his head. 

“We can find you some more modern ones later, if you want, but you don’t wanna get beat up before classes even start.” 

Cas frowned. “I wore them yesterday, and no one said anything.”

“Well, they were thinking it, trust me.” 

Cas slowly took off the workout bands and set them on his bed. Hopefully the guy wasn’t taking things the wrong way, he was just trying to help. And by the looks of things so far, Cas needed all the help he could get. 

“Come on, let’s go get physical,” Dean chuckled at his unappreciated joke as they headed out the door.

Once at the track, they started their stretches, Dean taking in the morning air. They were the only people that seemed to be out there, which was just fine by him, though he liked having a running partner. 

In fact, he found himself glad to have Cas there for the company. Maybe it wouldn’t make him miss Sammy so much. 

“Okay, let’s see whatcha got.” He clapped a hand on Cas’ back, ready to go. 

He saw him take out an iPod as he nodded, and put in an ear bud. It made him curious to know what kind of music he listened to, making a mental note to ask later. He also noticed Cas had left an earbud out, which he thought was a good sign, that he wasn’t totally shutting Dean out. The guy was like a brick wall most of the time, from what he could tell. 

They started out at a slow jog at first, getting warmed up, but after a few minutes, they found a good, steady pace. They ran side by side for a few laps, and he was thoroughly enjoying himself. He also had to admit that the guy was in really good shape, never once did he falter or lose speed. 

Every once in a while, they would make eye contact, and Dean made sure to give an encouraging smile each time.   
Towards the end of their agreed upon 45 minutes, Dean turned, making eye contact again, and Cas surprised him by smirking mischievously and picking up the pace. 

Dean broke out into a grin, raising his eyebrows.

‘Game on.’

Never one to turn down a challenge, Dean matched his strides, catching up to him, making sure to control his breathing. 

Pushing himself to go even faster, he passed Cas, making sure to throw him a big victory smile. 

He was now a few strides ahead of Cas, and it stayed that way for awhile, his muscles starting to protest, but he kept up his speed, not wanting to be overtaken.   
They were halfway to the start of the track, their time almost up, when Cas went barreling past him, a blur of black and blue. 

‘What the-? Oh, it’s on!’ 

Muscles burning, Dean propelled himself forward, giving it all he had, not willing to succumb to defeat just yet.   
Running full speed, he was so close, was right behind him, but Cas crossed the finish line a few seconds before he was able to catch up. 

‘Dammit! Oh well....’

They slowed down, finally coming to a stop, both of them doubled over with their hands on their knees, breathing hard. 

“Okay....you’re....fast...” Dean said in between gasps. 

After a minute, he stood up, and clapped Cas on the shoulder, still smiling. “Alright, Forest Gump....ya got me. That was fun.” 

He was still trying to catch his breath, but when Cas looked up at him, it was like the air was knocked out of his lungs all over again. 

Cas was grinning from ear to ear, the corners of his eyes wrinkling, and even his nose was crinkled up, his blue eyes bright. He didn’t think it was possible to beat any faster, but his heart kicked into overdrive. It was the first time that Dean had seen him really smile, and for some unknown reason, he was overcome with a need to make him smile like that again. 

“I don’t understand that reference, but yes...that was fun.” Cas used his long sleeve to wipe the sweat from his forehead, and bent down to grab one of the water bottles they had bought at a vending machine on the way there, taking a drink. 

They still needed to buy a mini-fridge and stock up, but he had plans on doing that later today. 

Dean had to mentally shake himself back to reality. 

“You don’t know who Forest Gump is, either? Dude...we’re gonna have to work on your pop culture intake. You got a lot of catching up to do.” 

Cas looked at Dean as if analyzing him, a smile still lingering.

“Yes, growing up in the system didn’t leave me much of a chance to watch TV. I prefer books, but I will be happy to take you up on that offer.” 

“I mean, if you’re gonna be my roommate, ya gotta be able to get my jokes.” Movie and TV show references were pretty much half his jokes, after all. 

They both drank their water, did some quick post workout stretches, and then headed back to their room, Dean’s stomach in knots. He wasn’t really sure why, but he was anxious. 

“I’ll let you take a shower first,” Dean volunteered and sat down on his bed, taking off his shoes. He needed some time alone to sort out this feeling scratching at the back of his mind. 

“Thank you,” Cas said quietly, and gave him another studying look with those piercing blue eyes before he went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.   
Dean laid back on the bed with his hands behind his head, and stared up at the ceiling. 

He didn’t know how to explain it, but something had clicked in him out there on the track. He felt different somehow, and he couldn’t figure out why. Confusion and anxiety, with hints of shame, coursed through him. His stomach was churning as he tried to pinpoint where these feelings were coming from. 

Surely it didn’t have anything to do with Cas. No way. So the guy had a nice smile, that wasn’t worth getting all worked up over. 

‘Get it together, Winchester.’ He chided himself. 

He heard the shower turn off after a few minutes, and in a flurry of guilt, as if the other boy could read his mind, Dean shoved all of those emotions to the far reaches of his psyche, making sure to bury them deep. 

Sunday, August 18

CAS POV

One more day until their official first day of college classes. Cas was starting to get nervous, but luckily he had a new friend to distract him. 

After their morning run the day before, they had gone to the store to stock up on dorm necessities. They had bought a mini-fridge, a microwave, bathroom supplies, and other miscellaneous things they thought of along the way. Dean had also helped him pick out a new workout headband, which Cas’ stomach did a flip just thinking about. 

Dean had even let Cas ride in his car, which he had made it a point to tell him was a ‘67 Chevy Impala. Apparently it was really important to him, and Cas found it extremely adorable the way he had talked about it so fondly. 

The day had been surprisingly fun. 

But, then again, everything seemed to be more fun with Dean.

Cas knew it was ridiculous, but he was finding himself already developing a crush on Dean. He tried not to, he knew Dean was most likely straight, but he couldn’t help it. 

Not only was his roommate the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on, but he was also incredibly kind, generous, and fun to be around. 

At the same time, though, it felt like he was betraying Michael’s memory. But no...Michael hadn’t loved him in that way. It was better for him, healthier, if he let Michael go, but it didn’t stop the guilt that came with those feelings. He had loved Michael, and he always would, no matter who else came into his life. Besides, he would want Castiel to be happy. As much as he could be without him...

And it’s not like Dean would ever feel the same way about him, anyways. It seemed like Cas definitely had a type. 

“Hey, I was gonna go to lunch with my friend, you wanna come with?” 

Cas snapped out of his thoughts to look up at Dean. He had his phone in his hand, as if getting ready to text.  
They had already showered and dressed after their morning run (in which Cas beat him in another race), and they were making sure all of their school supplies were in their backpacks, ready for tomorrow. 

“Oh. Well, I don’t know,” Cas was hesitant to meet one of Dean’s friends. Dean was kind enough to put up with his awkwardness, but would his friend be?

“Come on, man, Benny’s cool, you’ll like him.” 

Cas relented, agreeing to go, if only to spend more time with Dean.

After putting on shoes, they made their way outside. It was another nice sunny day, and this time, it was exactly how Cas felt on the inside. Despite being nervous about his freshman year of college officially beginning, he was in a better place mentally than just a few days ago, and he knew he had Dean to thank for that. 

Going down the sidewalk together, he saw another young man walking towards them. He was tall, with short brown hair, along with a thin mustache and goatee. He smiled as they approached him, and Cas realized that he was the friend they were meeting. 

“Hey, Brother,” he reached out a hand, and Dean clasped it in his, giving him a hug with his other arm, patting his back. 

“Hey, man,” Dean pulled away, and gestured to Cas. “This is my roommate, Cas. Cas, this is my best friend, Benny.” 

“Nice to meet ya, Cas.” Benny held out his hand again, and this time Cas took it, shaking it.

“Hello. You as well.” He said formally, nodding. 

Letting go of the man’s hand, he wasn’t sure what else to say. There was a second of awkwardness before Dean jumped in.

“So where should we go eat guys?” 

After some debate between Benny and Dean, they decided to go to a local burger joint that the two of them liked. It didn’t matter to Cas either way, he was sure the place would have some healthier options, as most places did. 

At the diner, Cas was thrilled, his heart picking up speed, when Dean slid into the red booth beside him, and he tried to focus on his menu. Dean saw the salad he was looking at and grabbed the menu out of his hands.

“Absolutely not, Cas, you can’t go to a burger place and get a freaking salad! Geez, you’re more like Sam than I realized.” Dean was shaking his head, but Cas could tell by the grin on his face that he was only joking. Dean tended to do that a lot. 

“Just let him get what he wants,” Benny chuckled and rolled his eyes at his friend. 

“Try the bacon burger, it’s the best. That’s what I’m getting.” Dean put the menus up as if the discussion was closed. 

Cas suppressed a smile and nodded. 

“I guess I can try it.” Cas couldn’t help but relish in the thought of Dean ordering for him. No one had ever done that before, and he found he liked it. 

“Ha,” Dean said in triumph, but Benny just shook his head and rolled his eyes again. 

At that, the waitress came up to introduce herself and take their orders. The girl’s name was Shana according to her name tag, and she immediately started flirting with Dean. She was dark skinned with dark hair and pretty hazel eyes. Dean was charming, flirting right back, as he told her their orders, and even winked at her as she headed off to get their drinks.

“God, I love this place,” he sighed happily as he watched her walk away. Benny was smiling from across the table at his friend, shaking his head once again.

Cas definitely didn’t notice any of this, of course. He looked down at his hands as he twisted a plastic straw wrapper around in his hands. 

“How- how long have you two been friends?” Cas decided to change the subject away from anything to do with girls and back towards them. He wasn’t good at small talk, but that was one question he was actually wondering. 

“Too long,” Benny said deadpan. 

“Yeah, right, ya know you love me.” Dean winked at Benny, grinning, then turned to Cas. “But we’ve been best friends since third grade when Benny and his family moved here from Louisiana.”

“Dean actually stopped some fifth graders from beating me up on my first day. I was a little on the heavy side back then, and ya know how kids can be.” 

Cas turned to Dean, trying to hide his surprise. But, really, was he really all that surprised? It seemed Dean had always been kind. Or maybe he just took pity on the weak. 

“Yeah, you mean dicks. Kids are a bunch of dicks.” Dean stated as he turned the ketchup bottle upside down. 

Cas nodded. He could definitely relate to that. Kids could certainly be horrible, especially if you were different. He knew all too well what kids were capable of. 

“So, uh, Cas, Dean told me you have a girlfriend.” Benny turned the conversation around on him, catching him off guard. 

Cas tried not to flinch at his forgotten lie. He really shouldn’t be forgetting that particularly important lie. 

“Oh, um, yes. Anna.” 

“Nice. You really think the long distance thing is gonna work out? Not to be a downer, but they usually don’t.” 

“Yeah, thanks for that, Benny, geez. Way to be supportive.” Dean said, throwing a napkin at him. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“It’s okay. I understand.” The last thing he wanted was for them to be fighting over a fictitious relationship. 

“Well, uh, Dean also said you grew up in the foster system. That’s pretty interesting, I’m sure you have lots of stories.” 

Cas was frozen, not sure how to react. 

When he didn’t respond right away, Benny continued, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend. I’m majoring in psychology so all that stuff is just really interesting to me. You don’t have to elaborate if you don’t want to.” 

“No, I, um, I’m just not quite sure if I would call it interesting.” 

“Well, do they really just kick you out when you turn 18?” Benny probed.

“Yes. They have some programs to help with housing and jobs if you need it, but you’re pretty much on your own.”

“Wow,” Dean chimed in. “So what did you do, Cas?”

“Well, Anna had already turned 18 before me, and she had an apartment with a few other people, so I just lived there with her.” These were safe questions so far, Cas could answer these. 

“Oh, that’s right, you and Anna were both in the system.” Dean nodded.

“How old were you when you went into foster care? Like, do you remember your parents at all?” 

As long as he gave vague answers, he was sure he could avoid getting too personal. 

“Um, I’m not sure how old I was. Maybe 4 or 5. But no, I don’t remember anything about them.” This was a normal lie he told to people who asked. The truth was, Cas did remember. It was just not something he wanted to tell people. In fact, he hadn’t even told Anna everything. Michael had been the only one to know. 

“So, did you bounce around a lot or did you actually have a decent foster family?”

“I, uh, would normally get moved every few months. I mostly ended up in group homes as a teenager which is where I met Anna. Usually group homes are gender segregated, but some aren’t.”

“Aren’t group homes more for kids with behavior issues?” Okay, so Benny knew some things. How was he going to circumvent this one?

“Yes, that’s true. But they could also put you there if they didn’t have room for you anywhere else.” That wasn’t a total lie, it was rare, but it did happen. They didn’t need to know differently. 

“Getting moved every few months must’ve been hard.” Dean was fiddling with his silverware, but he peered over to look at him, pity in his voice. 

That was the last thing that Cas wanted, especially after Dean had already seen his night terrors up close and personal. 

“You get used to it after awhile,” he shrugged, not wanting to incur more pity from him. 

Suddenly, something clicked, and he was struck with panic. Dean had told Benny about Anna and about the foster system. Had he told his friend about his nightmare as well? Had he told him about him crying and yelling in his sleep? About having to run to the bathroom to throw up? About the scars on his arms that Dean had to have seen by now? Were they laughing at him? Was this some sort of joke? What was their angle?

Cas’ heart went into overdrive, his mind over analyzing the conversation up until now, his palms and the back of his neck becoming sweaty with fear. Here he was, letting his guard down for a second, thinking that Dean could be trusted. How could he have been so stupid?

“So did you and Anna just keep in touch when you’d move? How did that work?” Benny was certainly full of questions. 

Cas sat there, not knowing what to do. Did he keep answering questions? Or did he just leave? Benny didn’t act like he knew anything, but people were natural deceivers and manipulators. 

He had to take a deep breath to calm his nerves. Maybe he was reading too much into it. Maybe Dean hadn’t told him, and they were just making conversation. Or maybe he does know, but he’s not going to laugh at or ridicule him. Either way, he really needed to get a grip, they were probably going to think he was crazy if he didn’t respond. 

“You okay, Cas?” Dean was still looking at him, this time with a worried expression.

“Yes, I- I’m fine.” 

Before he could elaborate further, their waitress came back with their food in hand. She set their plates down in front of each of them, and after flirting a little more with Dean, walked away. 

“I’m sorry, Cas, I’m making you uncomfortable with all the questions, I’ll stop,” Benny said as he began to put ketchup on his burger. 

“No…you weren’t, it’s fine. Really, I’m fine.” He said as he inspected the lunch Dean had ordered for him.

“It’s okay, we’ll change topics. Benny, how’s your roommate? Still driving you nuts? What was his name again?” Dean took the ketchup from his friend and began to overload his burger with it. 

Cas stayed quiet while they continued the conversation. Again, his stomach forever in knots around Dean, he forced himself to eat. After all, he didn’t want to hurt Dean’s feelings. The burger actually was really good, and he made sure at the end to tell him so. 

When they got back to their dorm, after parting ways with Benny, he caught Dean eyeing him. 

“Okay, come on, spill. What’s up?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why’d you clam up all of a sudden? Were you upset Benny was asking all those questions? He was just curious, Cas, he didn’t mean anything by it.” 

Castiel crossed his arms and looked away, wanting to ask him, but not sure if he wanted to know the answer. 

“Come on, Cas, don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“You know what I-“ Dean took a frustrated breath. “Ya know what, never mind.” Plopping down on his bed, he took out his phone and started scrolling, probably on some sort of social media app. 

Feeling awkward now, Cas slowly took off his shoes and sat on his own bed, pulling a book out of his backpack. He pretended to read, but in reality, he kept stealing looks across the space to Dean. Was he mad at him now? Was he going to ignore him? Had he ruined this already?   
Taking a shaky breath, he gathered his courage, and just blurted it out.

“Did you tell Benny about my nightmare?” 

Dean looked up from his phone. “What?”

“You told him about Anna, and that I grew up in the system. Did you tell him about my nightmare, too?” He held his breath, watching his face to see if he was telling the truth when he spoke. 

“Cas….” Dean shook his head. “Of course I didn’t tell him…. Is that what you thought? What, that we were trying to embarrass you or something?” 

Cas could feel himself turning red. He felt stupid now that it had been said out loud. Not responding, he stayed looking sheepishly at his book still in his hands. 

“I promise that I didn’t tell Benny about that, Cas. I would never….that stays between us, I swear.” 

Swallowing air, trying to steady his heart rate, all he could do was nod, still not making eye contact. 

His roommate suddenly appeared, sitting down on his bed. “Dude, I’m not that guy, okay? I’m not that creep that you’ve apparently met too many of. That’s not me….okay? I’m not gonna do that to you.”

Finally looking up, Cas met his eyes, trying to read his expression. Dean seemed genuinely sincere in his assurance. And again, Cas couldn’t help but be drawn to him. He wanted to believe him. Nodding again, he made his decision.

“Okay. I believe you, Dean. Thank you. And…I’m sorry for having doubted you. It’s just…I-“

“It’s okay, Cas, I get it.” Dean smiled then, and Cas had to remind himself to breathe. 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas held his gaze, wanting to memorize their exact shade of green.

Dean was not the bad guy. He could trust Dean. 

“So tell me about the group homes. What was that like? Ya kinda got me curious about how it all works. I mean, if you don’t mind talking about it, that is.” 

Trying to get his thoughts in order, he hesitated a moment. Maybe it would be safe to reveal a few things. 

“Well, um, the group homes usually housed between 30-50 kids, normally separated by gender, so for the most part I was with other males. But there were a few that were mixed, and that’s how I met Anna. We’d write letters when we’d get separated. We didn’t always know where the other was, but for the most part, we were able to find each other again. Sometimes we’d run away and meet up in our designated place.”

“You’d run away?” He could tell Dean was listening closely, interested. 

“Sometimes, especially if things got bad.” Cas nodded, and finally looked away, down at the book still in his hands. 

“So Benny said group homes are normally for kids with behavior problems. How come you were always in them? They couldn’t find a spot for you the whole time?” Dean questioned, almost knowingly.

Squirming under his stare, he smirked, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Well, I may have gotten in trouble every once in awhile.” 

“Ah-Ha, so the truth comes out,” Dean chuckled. “I honestly can’t even picture you being in trouble.”

“Yes, well, group homes aren’t exactly the best places to live. You have to know how to defend yourself against those with more violent tendencies.” 

“Wow, yeah, I can see that. I guess that’s where you get your great trusting abilities from.” 

Distressed, Cas looked back up, but realized that Dean was only joking when he saw the smile on his face. Blushing, Cas simply nodded. 

“When you are constantly looking over your shoulder and sleeping with one eye open, it tends to have that effect on a person. But I had Anna. And --“ He stopped himself before he said his name out loud. He wasn’t ready to talk about him. Not yet, it was too hard. “And that was all I needed.” Despite recovering from his misstep, he still looked away, heart accelerating. 

“Well, it’s a good thing you had her at least,” Dean said, but Cas knew he hadn’t been fooled by his clumsy cover up. 

Cas knew Dean had heard him calling out for Michael in his nightmare, but he had been kind enough not to mention any of it to him, or ask him questions. 

“Yes, we’ve….been through a lot together. I don’t know what I would have done without her.” Cas locked eyes with him again, biting his bottom lip. 

Dean nodded, with concern on his face.   
“Well, I’m sure she’s proud of you. So, tomorrow’s the big day. You ready for it?” 

“Yes, she is. And I think so. I have all of the needed supplies, so I should be fine.” Grateful for the topic change, a small grin crossed his lips. 

“Good. The only thing I’m worried about is my Calculus class. Sammy told me I should take it first just to get it out of the way, but now I’m wishin’ I hadn’t listened to him.” He grimaced. 

“Well, I could help you with that, if you’d like. I love Calculus.” Offering his help felt like the right thing to do. After all, Dean had already helped him out tremendously.

Dean laughed and shook his head. “Dude, you are seriously the only person I know who would ever say that. But I might have to take you up on that, we’ll see. Thanks.” 

“Of course, you’re very welcome. I am always happy to help.” Cas smiled at his new friend and he couldn’t help but feel a weight lift off his shoulders. 

He felt a lot better after clearing the air with Dean. He sighed. Things were going to be different here in this new city, they had to be. It was a new beginning for him, a chance to prove that he could be the man that Michael saw in him. He had fulfilled his promise to Michael, getting into college, it was now just navigating through it that was the challenge.

But he was hoping things were going to go his way for once, and at the moment, the future looked bright. He locked eyes with Dean again, the smile lingering. 

Dean was a good guy. He could trust Dean. Things were going to be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College classes officially start.
> 
> Cas goes to Dean’s house for the first time and gets to meet Jo. They’re basically getting to know each other more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics in this chapter are from Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” and Taylor Swift’s “Everything has Changed” and obviously all rights belong to the artists.   
I felt the second song was appropriate because of the green eyes and freckles line. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!

Monday, August 19

DEAN POV

Dean awoke the next morning feeling pretty confident in facing his first day of classes. Cas seemed a little quiet, even for him, but otherwise in good spirits. No nightmares again at least. They got dressed in their running clothes and took to the track.

There were a few other students out and about, but they kept to themselves and did what he considered now to be their routine 45 minutes of laps and then race at the end. Dean swore to himself that he would beat Cas one of these days. The guy had more stamina than was normal, he was like a frickin’ gazelle. 

After Cas showered and dressed, it was his turn. The warm water felt good on his shoulder blades as he washed his hair and soaped up his body. It was surprising that they had such good water pressure, but he was glad for it. Sighing, he went over the day’s schedule in his head. 

8am was his Introduction to Law & Society class, then at 10:30 was his Calculus class. Later after lunch at 2:30 he had World History. That was just Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s. Tuesday’s and Thursday’s he had two others. Man, why did he let Sammy talk him into taking so many classes? 

Poor Cas had one more than him. He was taking this college thing pretty seriously. Well, Cas took everything pretty seriously it seemed.

Once he was done, he dried off and got dressed. He continued his usual morning rituals, brushing his teeth, doing his hair, etc, then stepped out of the steamy room. Breathing in the cooler air, he then turned to see Cas on his knees, bent over their small trash can. 

“Cas! What’s wrong?” Dean rushed to his friend’s side, kneeling next to him.

Cas was hyperventilating and had obviously just thrown up his protein bar and water he had had for breakfast. He placed a hand on his back and instinctively started to rub his back slowly up and down. Cas didn’t answer him, just shook his head, still breathing hard, tears streaming down his face.

“Is this some kinda panic attack thing?”

Cas simply nodded.

“Okay, shit, uh….here, come sit down,” Dean gently pulled him up onto the bed. “Uh, put your head between your knees, isn’t that what they say to do?” 

God, he hated being useless in these situations. Cas did as he told him, though, bending over, still hyperventilating, and Dean continued to rub his back, moving in slow circles.

“It’s okay, man, just breathe. Deep breathes. It’s okay.”

“He’s not here…” Cas sobbed silently. “He’s not here.” He was gulping in air, his whole body shaking. 

Dean didn’t know how to respond, so he stayed quiet and continued to comfort him through touch. 

‘Is he talking about Michael again?’

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Cas’ breathing started to return to normal. Not knowing how else to help, but wanting to do something, he grabbed a water bottle out of their mini-fridge.

“Here’s some water, if ya want some,” he offered. 

Great, he was the freaking water boy now in these situations.

“Can you…?” Cas’ voice came out shaky and breathy, and he pointed to a small black bag sitting on the desk. 

Dean immediately grabbed it for him, but knowing Cas wouldn’t be able to open it himself, he unzipped it to look inside. There were bathroom necessities like razors and deodorant, but among them were also three medicine bottles.

“Could you…?” Again, Cas pointed at the bag.

“Okay, so, um, medicine? Which one is it?” He pulled out the first one to read the label. “Temazepan?”

His roommate shook his head, still trying to even out his breathing.

“Okay, uh, let’s see…Zoloft?” Again, no. “Well, then that must mean we have a winner here,” Dean was trying his hardest to be cheery about it, hoping to lighten the mood a bit. He lifted the last bottle. “Valium?”

Cas nodded, so he opened up the bottle. “How many? Just one?”

After seeing his answer, he popped one of the pills into his hand, and held it out to him. With a shaky hand, Cas took it, along with the water, and swallowed it down, then used his sleeve to wipe the tears from his face. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said as he sat up further. “And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you. You should go, you’re going to be late for your first class.” 

Dean shook his head, incredulous.

“Dude, I’m not gonna leave you by yourself. Don’t worry about it, it’s the first day, it’s not like they’re going to be doing anything important. And you don’t have to apologize for stuff like this. You can’t help it.” 

He realized he still had a hand on his back, so he patted him real quick, then lowered it onto the bed. 

Cas leaned forward, pressing his face into his hands. Dean was afraid maybe it was happening again, but Cas wiped at his brow and ran his fingers through his dark hair, sighing. 

“It’s just….embarrassing, Dean. I hate that you keep having to put up with this, you shouldn’t have to. I’m sorry…I—.” 

He could tell he was frustrated by his tone and he was avoiding his gaze. But Dean wanted to make something clear to him. 

“Cas, look at me.” 

He waited until he complied, their eyes finally meeting. His lashes were wet from the tears, making them darker, and it somehow made his eyes an even brighter blue. 

Now it was Dean’s turn to catch his breath. A little stunned, he forgot for a second what he was about to say, but once he was able to gather his thoughts, he spoke with sincerity. 

“Cas, listen. I’m being totally serious when I say this. I promise you, you don’t have to be embarrassed by anything. And this stays between us. I don’t want you to worry about that. I know…I know something happened to you, I dunno what, but I get that you’ve been through the ringer, and that’s alright. You don’t have to apologize for that, ever. You got me?” 

His roommate was silent, their eyes still locked. A look of surprise crossed his face, then concern and sadness, then finally he nodded in acceptance. It seemed at his most vulnerable, he also got expressive.

“Yes….thank you, Dean. That- that means a lot to me.” 

A small smile pulled at Dean’s lips and he could see Cas’ do the same. Time seemed to slow down as they stayed that way, looking into each other’s eyes. Dean should’ve felt awkward about it, but for some reason, he was content and didn’t want to leave the little bubble they had created around themselves. 

But it burst when Dean’s phone buzzed with a text message. Startled and a shade embarrassed, he reached for his phone on the desk, the spell officially broken. 

‘Wishing you good luck on your first day!’ 

It was a text from Sammy. Then a moment later, a picture was sent to him. Sam and Jo were smiling at the camera, Jo giving a cheesy thumbs up. Dean smiled, shaking his head.

“They’re such dorks,” he huffed a laugh as he tilted the phone to show Cas. “Sammy and my friend Jo just sent it saying good luck on my first day.” 

Cas looked at the picture and gave a little grin. “That was nice of them.” 

“Hey, ya know what, we should take a selfie to send back to them.” 

As he said the thought out loud, he cringed inwardly at how lame he probably sounded. But when he looked over at Cas, his smile was so endearing, Dean’s heart almost gave out. 

‘God, get a grip, Winchester.’ 

To cover up his disconcerting thoughts, he opened the camera app on his phone and raised it to the right angle for a picture.

“Come on, get closer.” 

He felt Cas scoot in and saw him appear in the frame.

“Okay, smile.” 

Dean smiled and gave a cheesy thumbs up like Jo had done, along with a wink. He saw Cas grinning, and even though it wasn’t a big one, he took the picture anyway.

“Okay, now make a face.” 

Dean crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. He couldn’t tell what Cas did, but he took a couple of quick shots. When he lowered the phone to look at them, he couldn’t help but laugh. 

In practically every frame, Cas had the same small smile, except the last two. One, he actually had his tongue sticking out, just the tiniest bit. In the second one, he was smiling for real, the laugh lines by his eyes, and his nose crinkled up just like their first day on the track. And instead of looking at the camera, he was looking at Dean. 

His heart betrayed him by kicking into over drive.   
Cas leaned in to get a look, their shoulders touching, and breathed a laugh. They locked eyes again, both of them all grins, Dean’s stomach doing a flip. 

“Those are pretty good,” Cas said, going back to look at the pictures. “Which one are you going to send?” 

“Uhh, I guess just this first one,” he responded as he did just that, his heart still thumping loudly in his chest. 

After firing off the picture, he typed out a text. ‘Thanks! Cas and I are ready! Bring it on!’ 

He showed Cas the message as he sent it and said the next thought that popped into his head. 

“Hey, uh, put your number in my phone and I can send ‘em to you. That way, ya know, if you wanted, you could send one to Anna.” 

Surprise crossed his friend’s face again, but he took Dean’s phone and typed in his contact information. When he got his phone back, Dean immediately sent the pictures. He noticed Cas had put his full name, Castiel Novak. 

“Thank you. I think I will send one to Anna, that way she won’t worry so much.” He started typing away on his own phone, presumably doing just that. 

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” Dean got off of the bed, wanting to put some distance between them, but not wanting to at the same time, and slid his backpack on. 

God, why did he always start to feel this way around Cas? He was just a normal guy, there was nothing special about him, so why did his heart and stomach tend to go crazy around him? Another guy was not supposed to make him do that. 

In fact, the last time he could recall his stomach in knots over someone was maybe with Cassie, and that was almost 3 years ago now. Wow…Cassie, Cas? Was this some type of bullshit subconscious thing? Whatever was happening, he needed to snap out of it, and fast. 

“Well, we should probably get going. You okay now?” 

Cas stood and grabbed his backpack off the floor, nodding. 

They walked out together, Dean still trying to shake some sense into himself. When they parted ways, going to different ends of campus, he breathed a sigh. 

But in the middle of his second class, unable to stop himself, he pulled the phone from his pocket and found himself looking at the pictures of them. Then, as if they had minds of their own, his fingers were typing out a message. 

He told himself he was just wanting to check up on him after the rough morning he had. 

‘Hey wanna meet up for lunch?’

CAS POV

Castiel was more than a little surprised when he saw Dean’s text in the middle of class.

‘Hey wanna meet up for lunch?’

He felt himself blush as a warm feeling washed over him. Cas couldn’t stop thinking about everything that Dean had said to him that morning. He just couldn’t believe that a person could be so understanding and perfect. 

Of course, he hadn’t been able to stop staring at the pictures Dean had sent him all day, either. Was he being too hopeful to think his new friend’s sexuality could possibly be somewhere in the middle of the spectrum? Not all the way on one side? And what if Dean was interested? Was Cas really ready to be in a relationship? Especially one where they were living together? 

‘You are way overthinking this, as always,’ he berated himself. It was just lunch, that’s all. Friends go to lunch together all the time, no big deal. 

‘Sure. Where?’ Was his smooth reply. He watched the phone screen intently, waiting for the ‘. . .’ that meant Dean was responding. 

‘How about that Blue Halo place again?’ Finally came the reply.

‘Sounds good. I get out of class at 12:45. Do you want to meet at 1?’ His heart was racing as he responded.

‘Cool. See ya there.’

Cas had a hard time paying attention for the rest of the class. He kept looking at his phone, flipping between checking the time and beaming at the pictures of them together over and over again. He knew he was being pathetic, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t let himself have feelings for anyone in a long time….well, since Michael. 

Even before Cas had kissed Michael and confessed his love for him that night, he knew he didn’t have a chance. He had known where Michael stood, but he couldn’t help it then, and now he feared that history was repeating itself.

Like Anna had told him, though: You can’t help what the heart wants. Right now Cas’ heart wanted Dean. Well, and maybe more than just his heart. 

Waiting for the class to be over was grueling, but finally the professor dismissed them, and he practically ran out the door. He made his way to the café, trying to walk at a normal pace, but he still made it there a little early. 

Now he was unsure. Did he wait for Dean to get there before ordering? Or should he go ahead and order? He stood by the door, hesitating. People were coming in behind him and the line was starting to grow the more he waited. Still not sure what he should do, he stepped to the side.

Just as his anxiety was starting to peak, a hand was on his shoulder and those now familiar, stunning green eyes were meeting his, along with that gorgeous smile. 

“Hey man,” Dean greeted. Grateful for his timing, Cas let out a sigh and smiled back. 

“Hello, Dean. I wasn’t sure whether to order before you arrived.” He gestured to the long line in front of them. 

“No prob. We better get in the line before they run out of food, though,” he joked, and Cas followed him to the end. “So, how were your classes?”

“Fine so far. How about yours? I hope you weren’t too late this morning.” He said apologetically.

Cas forced himself to focus on the moments after his panic attack, of their pictures together, or he would start to feel embarrassed all over again. 

He hated that Dean had seen him at his worst. First the night terror, now the panic attack, both times including him vomiting. Great. 

He wondered again what Dean thought about him. Did he see him as a pathetic loner and was just taking pity on him? Or did he see that Cas was someone who was struggling but trying? 

Surely Cas should know he could trust Dean by now, but old habits die hard. Even after years of therapy, having his guard up his whole life made it nearly impossible to let them down now. He was trying so hard to make it in this new life, but it was hard. 

“Nah, I was only a few minutes late. No big deal.” Dean shrugged and seemed unconcerned by it, so Cas decided to take his cue and let it be. 

“Okay. Good.” 

They turned silent as they continued to wait in line, but it was a comfortable silence. After ordering, they finally made their way to a table and sat across from each other.

“So, I did send a picture to Anna. I think she really appreciated it.” Cas said, trying to break the lull. 

“Oh, that’s good. Yeah, Sammy and I, we’re always doin’ stuff like that. It helps me keep tabs on him. Kinda our way of checking in with each other.” 

Cas couldn’t help but feel another rush of affection for Dean. He was such a great brother.

“Well, Anna and I might have to adopt that tradition now that we’re so far apart. I’m not really used to having a smart phone, so this is new to me.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Do y’all have plans on how you’re going to see each other? I know she said she was going to pop in every once in awhile.”

“Oh, well…..we don’t have any set schedule, if that’s what you mean. She works most weekends, so it’ll have to be whenever she can get off. Or whenever I could go to her. For the most part, I think we’re just playing it by the ear.” 

At that, Dean breathed a laugh, and Cas tilted his head to the side in confusion. 

“Nothing, sorry, don’t worry about it.” Dean was smiling and shaking his head, but he continued. “I promised Sammy that I’d try to visit every weekend, but that’s a lot easier, seeing as my house is only a 20 minute drive, compared to your 2-3 hours.” 

Still perplexed about what Dean had been laughing about, but deciding to ignore it, Cas nodded.

“Yes, it’s even longer on a bus with all the stops.”

“Well, you know you’re always welcome to come with me on the weekends. I mean, if ya wanted.”

The statement made Cas’ heart rate speed up, and he could feel his cheeks flush. 

“Really?” 

He didn’t know what else to say, he was so touched by Dean’s offer. He really wanted to include him?

“Yeah, of course, man.”

They were interrupted by the server placing their plates on the table. After saying their thanks, they were left alone again. He was quiet for a moment trying to regain his ability to speak. 

“Well, I- I appreciate the offer, Dean. That…that really means a lot to me.” Cas seemed to have said that a lot lately, but it was true. 

“ ‘S no big deal,” Dean said as he slathered his burger in ketchup. Cas just smiled at that.

“You know, Dean, you really should eat a vegetable every once in awhile.”

“Hey, ketchup’s a vegetable,” he replied with his mouth now full, and Cas shook his head, chuckling. 

“I don’t think that counts.”

“Sure it does.”

They continued their banter, the conversation flowing easily, as they finished their meal, and then they had to set off towards their next classes. 

Cas couldn’t help holding onto some hope when Dean continued to text him the rest of the day. It ended up turning into what Dean dubbed a “GIF War,” and he found he couldn’t stop smiling.

Saturday August 24

DEAN POV

How many times could he get Cas to smile? That was Dean’s new game.

He didn’t know why, but getting Cas to smile or make him laugh, was his new favorite thing. When Cas smiled, his muscles pulled at the scar on his left cheek, but his blue eyes shined, and if he really got him laughing, sometimes his nose would crinkle up. That was the best.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Cas seemed to have had such a hard life, and Dean wanted to make it up to him in some small way. But not in a weird way. Just in a wanting-to-be-a-good-friend type of way. Plus, he was always so serious; Dean felt he needed some humor in his life.

They had only known each other for a little over a week, but Dean knew that he could eventually break Cas out of his shell. After all, Dean was never one to turn down a challenge. 

Some nights they would stay up late, just talking. He found himself opening up to his new friend pretty easily, which was unusual for him, but something about Cas made him comfortable, like he could be himself with him, like they just clicked. 

He also found himself looking forward to their morning runs together. 

So far college life hadn’t been as bad as Dean had thought. His classes were going pretty well, for the most part. He missed seeing Sammy and Jo every day, but he knew he would get to see them on the weekends, like today.

It was Saturday, and Cas was sitting at the desk, which seemed to be his usual spot, doing some homework.

“You going to be doing that all day?” Dean asked him as he dug in his drawers for a change of clothes.

“Well, that was the plan. I think I will be able to finish it all today, though. Are you going home to visit your brother?” 

“Yeah, I told Sammy I would.” he replied. 

Finally finding the clothes he was looking for, he grabbed them and made his way to the bathroom. 

Dean would never admit it to anyone, let alone himself, but he was a little hurt that Cas hadn’t said anything about coming with him. 

He had invited him earlier in the week, but they both hadn’t mentioned it since then, so maybe Cas had forgot. Before he closed the bathroom door, he decided to just ask him again. Maybe Cas thought he hadn’t meant what he said; he seemed to think the worst of people.

“Hey, you wanna come with me? I mean, instead of doing homework all day? You could finish it tomorrow.” 

Cas turned around, looking surprised.

“Really? You...still want me to?”

“Of course, dude, I said you could. You can come hang out with us. And you’ll get to meet Jo.”

“I would like that.”

‘That’s one,’ he internally counted to himself after seeing the shy smile on Cas’ face.

“Okay, cool.” 

Dean couldn’t help but mirror the expression as he headed into the bathroom and started his shower.

Once in the car, they fell into a comfortable silence, Cas looking out the window. That was one of the things Dean found he liked about him; he didn’t feel the need to fill the space with idle small-talk. 

After awhile, Dean decided to turn on the music. ‘Eye of the Tiger’ was just starting to play, so he turned it up.

“This is my kinda music,” he spoke up. 

He wasn’t sure if his new friend typically listened to classic rock, but Dean had plans to indoctrinate him, if not. 

Cas turned and smiled at him. 

Suddenly, he was hit with an idea on how to make Cas really smile, maybe even laugh. He began bobbing his head dramatically with the beat, using the steering wheel as a drum set, and when the lyrics started, he sang along:

‘So many times, it happens too fast  
You trade your passion for glory  
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past  
You must fight just to keep them alive’

He even started to add in hand gestures, just really going for it, being very theatrical. 

‘It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival  
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger’

Cas was smiling widely, shaking his head at him. “And people call me a dork?” He joked. 

Dean laughed, happy with Cas’ reaction.

He continued his dramatic show until the very end of the song, eventually making Cas laugh with the absurdity of it. He had already lost count of how many times he had made Cas smile, so Dean deemed the day a victory. 

He was glad he had brought Cas along, but couldn’t help but worry about what his little brother and Jo would think of him. Some people, he knew, thought Cas was a bit strange. Even he had at first, after all. 

They finally pulled past the gates, and into the driveway of the house he grew up in, steering his car around the familiar circular driveway, close to the four car garage. 

The huge tan stone two-story house sat behind a well manicured lawn and lots of bushes and bright flower beds, and an elegant iron fence wrapped around it.

Cas looked at it in awe as he fiddled with the beads on his bracelets. Dean noticed he never took those things off. He wanted to ask him about them, but knew Cas had secrets, and he wasn’t sure if it was his place to pry just yet. 

“This is your house?”

Dean sighed and put the car in park. He didn’t associate good feelings with his childhood home, except the parts with Sammy in them. Knowing his parents weren’t there, though, helped undo the knots that had started to form in his gut. 

“Yep.”

“Wow...”

“Come on,” He unbuckled and opened the door to get out, and Cas followed. 

When they got to the door, Sam opened it before he could even put the key to the lock.

“Dean!” Sam hugged him hard and Dean chuckled.

“Hey, Sammy,” He ruffled his brother’s hair when he finally let go. “You remember Cas.”

“Hey,” Sam smiled, giving him a quick wave, and Cas gave a nod.

“Hello.”

Sam stepped back and they both entered the house.   
Dean watched Cas as he looked around. 

A chandelier hung from the entryway, with white stone tile under foot. The expanse of the living room lay to the left, while the kitchen, Dean knew, was just around the corner to the right. The staircase, with black iron railings, was up ahead in front of them.

Dean felt a little pang of hurt for Cas. He knew he grew up in foster homes and he couldn’t even imagine how luxurious all of this must seem to him. 

Which Dean had to admit, as far as money was concerned, he had it good. His family had always been well off, what with his dad being a lawyer with his own firm, and he and Sam had never had to worry about where their next meal might be coming from, or where they were going to sleep at night. They had both been in the same house their whole lives while Cas bounced around, not having anyone or any place to call his own.

“I’m glad you could come, Cas. Dean doesn’t usually bring anyone but Jo or Benny over here.”

Cas looked at Dean in surprise, and he knew his ears were turning pink. “Really?” 

“Yeah, well, come on, we’ll show you around.” He quickly changed the subject, and saw Sam grin from the corner of his eye.

They took Cas on a mini-tour of the house, just showing him the basics, ending it with Dean’s room.

His queen size bed sat on the left hand side of the room. A couch, a keyboard, and a guitar on a stand, were set up on the opposite side. On the right side of the room was a desk with bookshelves on both sides. Above the desk, records hung on the wall, along with posters of his various favorite musicians. Across from the door was the window that looked outside to their backyard. The dark blue curtains were open, so they could see the pool sparkling in the midday sun. 

“Wow...” he heard Cas say for the umpteenth time while they had been showing him around. 

Dean watched as Cas walked over to his keyboard and guitar. 

“I didn’t know you played, Dean.” He turned to him, a look of admiration in those wide blue eyes.

He shrugged, trying not to be embarrassed. For some reason, under Cas’ intense gaze, Dean always found himself blushing. It was a little frustrating, not to mention, awkward.

“Yeah, I’ve been playing for a few years now, no big deal. I’m not that good, anyways.”

“Don’t let Dean lie to you, he’s amazing.” Sam chuckled as he walked over to Dean’s bed and plopped down. 

“So, where’s Jo? I thought she was gonna be here.” Dean again changed the subject away from himself.

Sam shrugged. “She said she was coming. Maybe she got stuck doing something for her mom.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Dean checked his phone. “No text or missed call. Hmp.”

“She’ll be here. She was excited to see you.”

“Knock, knock!” As if they had summoned her, Jo was suddenly standing in the doorway, smirking. 

“Hey!” Dean turned as she walked toward him, and they gave each other a big hug. 

“We were just wondering about you.” Sam stood and hugged her, too. 

After their greetings, Jo turned to see Cas on the couch. He stood up, looking slightly awkward, and unconsciously running his fingers over his scar, almost like he was trying to hide it. Dean noticed he tended to do that when he was nervous.

“Jo, this is my roommate, Cas. Cas, this is the one and only, Jo.”

“Hello.” He said with a small nod.

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you.” Jo flashed him a bright smile.

“Likewise.” 

“Alright, enough with the pleasantries, whatcha wanna do today?” Dean clapped his hands together loudly. He wanted to get past the awkwardness and get down to something fun. 

“Well, Cas was just asking Dean about his instruments. Maybe you two can play something for him.” Sam suggested, looking at Jo expectantly, but Dean was already shaking his head. 

“No no no, Cas doesn’t want to hear that.” 

“Actually I would like that very much. But if you don’t wish to, Dean, you don’t have to just for me.” 

“Nonsense, Dean and I would love to sing a song for ya,” Jo interjected before he could object, and grabbed his guitar, shoving it into his chest. 

Dean frowned at her and looked down at his guitar.

“I can’t believe you’re roping me into this.” He pouted. 

“Aw, come on, Dean, we haven’t got to play together in a long time. It’ll be fun.” 

With his face most likely thoroughly red, he sat down on his bed, placing his hands in position on the guitar. 

“Fine, whatever.” He relented, and strummed his fingers skillfully along the strings, checking to see if it was in tune, while also sneaking a quick glance at Cas as he sat next to Sam on the couch. Jo took her spot next to him on the bed, clearing her voice. 

“Okay, so how about one of our go-to’s, ‘Everything Has Changed?’” She looked at him expectantly. 

Instead of answering, Dean just immediately started the beginning cords for the song, because sure, why not? He just wanted to get it over with.

Jo smiled happily as he avoided looking directly at his roommate.

This was definitely going to be embarrassing, there was no way around it. He continued playing and Jo came in on the first line.

"All I knew, this morning when I woke, is I know something now, know something now I didn't before."

He knew Cas was staring right at him, but he purposely stayed looking down at his guitar, not wanting to see that penetrating blue.

Nerves were getting higher the closer it got to his singing part. He could only hope he didn't make an utter fool out of himself by his voice cracking, or some crap like that.

"And all I've seen, since eighteen hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile in the back of my mind making me feel like-"

'Well, here goes nothing,' he thought.

"I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now. I just wanna know you better, know you better now. I just wanna know   
you better, know you better, know you better now. I just wanna know you, know you, know you.”

So far, so good. The harmonizing was going well. Hell, Dean only learned how to play sappy songs like this because of Ellen. 

Every once in awhile, a bride and groom would get in a pinch and need someone to play at their wedding. The first time it happened, Ellen practically had a heart attack after realizing that the only songs he knew how to play were classic rock songs, along with some Johnny Cash. 

Not exactly wedding material. But hey, she was the one who had so rudely demanded he get on stage for her at the last minute.

After that, Ellen had insisted that he and Jo learn some "proper" wedding songs, in case they were needed again.  
Which meant, inevitably, they were. Which meant Dean got stuck learning all those mushy, vomit-inducing love songs.

Besides the song selection, he really did have a fun time singing with Jo, though. She had a really great voice, and they both knew how to read each other, so it made sense that they made a good duo.

After the chorus, it was his turn for the next verse. Fighting the urge to sneak a quick peek up at Cas, he kept his eyes solely on his hands working the guitar strings.

"And all my walls, stood tall painted blue, but I'll take 'em down, take 'em down, and open up the door for you.  
And all I feel, in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind, making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like-"

Dean could feel his whole face heat up as he sang the lyrics, as he knew all eyes were on him. He didn't mind the spot-light most of the time, but this felt different, and he couldn't place why. 

They finally finished with it, after what seemed like an eternity, but now he felt even more awkward. He knew he would have to look at Cas eventually, but he was prolonging it as much as possible. He focused on Jo who was still sitting next to him on the bed, and smiled.

"Not too shabby, Winchester," she smirked.

"Not too bad yourself, Harvelle."

"That was wonderful." Cas said.

"Told ya he was good. And Jo, too, of course." Sam piped in.

"Yeah, well..." 

Dean never knew what to do with compliments. He drummed his fingers on his guitar, looking everywhere but at Cas, his face still heated.

"So, uh, what else should we do today? I'm in need of some much deserved down-time."

"Movie day?" Sam shrugged.

"Oooo, let's do a 'Star Wars' marathon!" Jo enthusiastically suggested.

"Cas?" Dean finally looked to his new friend, their eyes meeting from across the room.

Cas had that small smile that he often wore around Dean, his eyes shining brightly.

"Well, I have never seen those movies, so that would be fine."

Dean about fell off the bed from that statement. 

"Dude, are you freaking kidding me right now? Okay, that settles it! Cas, get your happy ass downstairs and into a seat, because we are rectifying this situation immediately!" 

He got up and put his guitar back in its stand, and marched everyone to the living room. Cas seemed a bit taken aback by his reaction, but Dean could not stand for a friend of his to have not seen the most epic of epic Trilogies of all time (because let's face it, the new ones didn't count). 

"I'll go make the popcorn, you put in the DVD, Sammy."

He went into the kitchen, got the popcorn from a cabinet, and put it in the microwave.

While that was popping, he grabbed some other snacks and a six-pack of soda from the fridge. After the popcorn was finished and in a bowl, he juggled everything in his arms, not wanting to make a second trip, and made his way back to the living room. 

Looking at where everyone was seated, he felt a rush of pleasure that the place next to Cas wasn't taken. He immediately shoved the thought away. 

Trying to ignore anymore unwanted feelings, he then set all of the snacks and drinks in the center of the coffee table so everyone could help themselves to what they wanted.

"Ready when you are," Sam said from his place in the recliner as he leaned forward to grab a handful of popcorn.

Dean looked from Jo sitting in the curve of the sectional, to Cas on the right, closest to Sam's recliner. There was plenty of room left in between, so he didn't have to sit right next to Cas, but he did anyway, their shoulders touching slightly. Plus it helped that he got a huge smile from Cas, so despite the anxiety that swept over him, Dean grinned back.

Jo leaned forward and grabbed a soda, popping the tab open, and took a sip. Dean snagged the bowl of popcorn, and set it in his lap. He leaned it towards Cas to offer him some, which he gladly accepted. 

"Okay, ready," he said as he took off his shoes and put his feet on the coffee table. His mom would've killed him if she had seen him do that, but since she wasn't going to be there until tomorrow, he decided he didn't care. What she didn't know, wouldn't hurt her, after all. 

Sam started the movie, and Dean leaned back into the soft sofa, trying to breath in the calm atmosphere. It was moments like this that he enjoyed the most. He could just be himself with Sammy and their friends. 

Benny would've come with them, too, but his mom had wanted to take him shopping this weekend to get the rest of the stuff for his dorm room. But Dean would see him plenty at school, and Benny had already met Cas, whereas Jo hadn't. He was really hoping that Cas would fit into their little group. So far, it seemed everything was going smoothly.

As they watched the movie, Cas seemed to be enjoying it, and Dean tried not to spoil anything for him. The more it progressed, though, the more he found that he was actually watching Cas more than the movie itself. 

The way Cas would bite his lower lip when it was an intense scene. How he would sometimes run his fingers across the scar on his cheek, or his hands would fidget, and he’d start turning the beads on his bracelets around and around. 

Their hands would occasionally brush against each other as they both grabbed for popcorn at the same time, and their eyes would meet. Cas would smile shyly and pull his hand away first. 

Dean's heart rate was a wreck by the time the movie was over. It couldn't decide whether it wanted to beat normally or want to pound its way out of his chest. 

Why was he reacting to Cas in this way? Why did he suddenly become a flustered, teenaged girl around him?

Dean had to shake himself back to reality when he noticed the credits starting to roll. Hopefully no one had noticed where Dean’s attention had been during the movie. Feeling a little panicked, he looked around at them just to be sure. Jo had started gathering all the trash from the snacks off the coffee table, but Sam was looking to Cas.

"So what did you think, Cas? One movie down, two more to go. Did you want to keep watching?" 

It didn't appear that Sam had noticed. Dean let out a breath.

"I quite enjoyed it, thank you, Sam. I wouldn't mind continuing to the next one." 

"I knew you would like it," Dean played it cool by stretching his arms out and got up to put some distance between them. 

Maybe he could go use the bathroom to gather his thoughts for a few moments. "I still can't believe you haven't seen them."

"Yeah, why haven't you? Not into Sci-fi or something?" Jo asked.

"No, I like Sci-fi, it's just...growing up I didn't get a chance to watch a lot of TV or movies, that's all."

"Oh..." Jo looked away, realizing her mistake.

He had told Jo and Sam about Cas growing up in the system, but he guessed Jo hadn't realized that was a part of it.

He had also told Jo about the scar on his face, but only because he didn't want her to react to it or ask any questions about it. Jo sometimes lacked tack when it came to things like that. Whatever was on her mind, she tended to say.

"That's alright, that's why you met me, so I can catch you up on all the awesome things you've missed out on." Dean joked, trying not to let the conversation turn awkward. 

"Yeah, I'm glad you liked it. These are Dean's favorite, so you'll probably be watching them like a million times. He's got a thing for Han Solo." 

Sam got up and started switching out the DVD's. Dean rolled his eyes at his little brother, but was trying not to blush.

"Whatever, I do not. Anyway, I gotta take a pee break," he told them, and avoided Cas' eyes like the plague on the way out.

'Pull yourself together, Winchester.' He scolded himself once the bathroom door was shut behind him. It seemed he had been telling himself that a lot lately.

He let out a breath and turned on the sink to splash some water on his face. What the fuck was happening to him? And he did NOT have a thing for Han Solo.

They continued their day with more movies, junk food, and good conversation, and Dean took joy in the fact that Cas seemed to be fitting in nicely, despite his confusing emotions. Jo seemed to like him, and he and Sam were interested in the same things, so that was a plus.

When it was finally time to leave, he was happy to hear Sam invite Cas over again next weekend.

“That would be wonderful, thank you very much, Sam.”

“Yeah it was really nice to meet you, Cas. It was fun hanging out.” Jo added, and Dean beamed internally. 

“Alright, well, see y’all later. Maybe next time we can actually spend the night. Doesn’t Dad have that conference out of town next weekend?” 

“I think so. And I think Mom’s going on that spa retreat, too.” 

Dean scoffed internally. “Spa retreat” was their code for when Mother Dearest was going through another round of detox. Their mom had a bad habit of popping pills, not to mention the alcohol, and whenever their dad grew tired of all her rantings and temper tantrums, he would send her there for a couple of weeks. Not that John Winchester cared about what happened to his wife, he was just trying to keep up appearances.

And of course he and Sam never talked about it, it was just something that was normal for them. 

“Nice, okay, it’s a plan.” 

“Oh, and tell Anna she should join us some time. I would love to meet her, plus it’d be nice to have another girl around here.” Jo added, and Dean watched as Cas’ face lit up.

“Thank you, I will make sure to extend an invitation. I’m sure she would be happy to.” 

Back on the road in the Impala, it was just the two of them again, and Dean couldn’t have been happier with how the day had gone. 

“I’m really glad that you invited me over, Dean. I had a great time.” Cas said from the passenger side. 

“Yeah, me too. It was good.” 

He saw Cas smiling as he turned his head towards the window, and Dean’s heart started acting up again. 

‘Stupid heart, calm down already.’

It was late by the time they made it back to their room, and Dean was ready for sleep. They went through the bed-time routine, and finally he was climbing under the covers. 

“Good night, Dean.” 

“ ‘Night, Cas.” He said through a yawn.

Though he was tired, his mind was still reeling from all of his emotions of the day. Even in the dark, he couldn’t get Cas’ smile out of his head.

What was going on? He was acting like some stupid school girl with a crush. He shivered to think of what his dad would say.

No, this could not be happening….this was definitely not happening, he decided, and forced himself to shove those pesky feelings back as far as he could into the far reaches of his mind. 

He was a Winchester, after all, that’s what they did best. Now he just hoped they’d stay there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I have no idea about college or dorms, so if I get anything wrong, please forgive me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is fighting his feelings for Cas, while also gaining a little more of his trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little late, my Word Document decided to delete everything I had written and I had to start over again! Ahhh!  
But I think it turned out for the better!
> 
> Feedback is always much appreciated! Let me know what you think!

Saturday August 30

CAS POV

“Son of a bitch! I swear I’ll beat you one of these days!” 

Dean laughed as they finished their daily run. Of course Cas had won their now habitual race, which frustrated his roommate to no end, and of course Dean said that every time. 

Dean was awfully cute when he was being competitive.

“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Cas responded with a grin, and Dean feigned offense by showing him his middle finger. He knew he was joking, as he often did, so he could only smile at him. 

Okay, so Cas may have had a huge crush on his (most likely) straight friend, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate his golden skin or the flex of his muscles as they did their post workout stretches. 

And just because he was (probably) not interested in him, didn’t mean that he couldn’t take a quick peek at his nice round ass, either. 

‘Okay, get ahold of yourself, Castiel.’ He tried to calm down as he closed his eyes and took a drink from his water. 

“Alright, come on, Running Man, we gotta get going,” Dean patted him on the back, and they headed back to their room.

After each of them showered, and Cas packed his bag, they were on their way to Dean’s house once again.

Benny was joining them later on this time, but he had some homework to finish up before he did, which Cas wasn’t complaining about. 

Not that he didn’t like Benny, he was just being selfish, as that meant more time for him alone with Dean.

He felt special that Dean wanted to spend time with him, that he had invited him over again, this time for the whole weekend. 

It had been a long time since he felt like he belonged somewhere, and he didn’t know them all that well, but he thought he might could feel that way with Dean and his friends. 

He hoped that they felt the same way, but he was never quite sure of what was genuine or just politeness. 

“So, uh what’s the deal with those things, huh?” Dean interrupted his thoughts, pointing at his hands. 

Looking down, Cas realized he was asking about his bracelets. He had been unconsciously twirling the beads around, another nervous habit of his. 

“Oh, um….” 

How much did he want to reveal? Telling Dean the whole truth meant talking about Michael, and he didn’t think he could face that right now. Heart hammering in his chest, he decided on a partial truth. 

“Anna and I made them for each other. They…represent our ties to each other. That we’re family.” 

“Oh. That’s cool, I guess. If not a little cheesy.” Dean gave him a lopsided grin. Cas returned the expression, nodding.

“Yes, I suppose it is a little.”

“Why’re there three, though? Do they each have a certain meaning?” 

“Um…it’s kind of…personal.” 

“Oh shit, did I walk into some kinky stuff?” 

Cas looked up at his roommate in surprise.

“No, nothing like that!” He exclaimed, shaking his head, but Dean just chuckled.

“I’m kidding, Cas, kidding.”

“….Oh.”

They were silent for a moment, Cas wondering what Dean was thinking about. There was a quiet intensity to him when he spoke again.

“I know you have stuff you don’t like to talk about, and that’s okay, Cas. It’s not my place to pry. So, just know, there’s no pressure. If you don’t want to tell me about stuff, you don’t have to. No judgement, okay?” 

Cas was always so thrown by Dean’s words, hell, by Dean himself. How was anyone that perceptive? That compassionate? Why did it seem like Dean always knew how he was feeling?

It didn’t make any logical sense. They barely knew each other, yet Dean could read him like a book. 

He was so taken aback that he accidentally blurted exactly what he was thinking.

“How are you always so understanding, Dean?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you…you always seem to know what to say.” 

At that, Dean actually burst into laughter.

“Well, that’s definitely the first time anyone has said that about me. I’m not exactly known for being a man of many words. Let alone, the right words.” 

“I think you don’t give yourself enough credit.” 

There was a pause as they looked at each other, something passing between them for that quick moment before Dean had to look at the road ahead again.

“Yeah, well…I dunno about that.” 

They turned silent once again, a tension filling the air the rest of the way, until they finally reached their destination.

Sam greeted them as they entered the house, and they all climbed the stairs up to Dean’s room. Dean met his eyes as he hesitantly took Cas’ overnight bag from his hands.

“I’ll, uh, put this in the closet.” He said quietly, Cas feeling the tension still electric between them, as he watched Dean walk across the room and did as he said. 

His heart still thundering away in his chest, Cas made sure to put on his mask, pretending everything was normal. 

“So, how’s school going, guys?” Sam had plopped down on the couch, not seeming to notice the exchange between the two. 

“Pretty good,” Dean replied casually, presumably acting normal as well, as he came back to their side of the room and sat down on his bed, kicking off his shoes. “We’ve gotten into a routine, so it’s not too bad.” 

“Yes, everything has been adequate,” he added as he sat next to Sam, his pulse starting to return to normal.

“What about you, Sammy? We haven’t really had too much time to talk. How’re ya liking high school? Met any cute girls yet?” 

Cas grimaced internally at the mention of girls. 

Pretending to be romantically attracted to girls could be so exhausting, sometimes he wondered how he’d been able to keep up his façade for so long. 

Looking over at him, Sam’s cheeks were blushing a bright red. 

“Maybe…” he smiled, ducking his head shyly, and Dean started to laugh.

“Aww, my baby brother has a crush! Come on, spill! What’s her name?” 

“Jessica,” he practically swooned. 

“Jessica, huh? Okay, tell us about her. What’s she look like?”

“Blonde curly hair, blue eyes…” Sam sighed. “She’s beautiful. But not just beautiful, she’s amazing. She’s smart, funny, kind. I dunno, she’s just….everything…”

“I can’t believe it,” Dean fake sniffled and pretended to wipe away a tear. “Little Sammy’s in love!” 

“Shuddap! Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

Cas furrowed his brow in confusion when they both just laughed it off and went on with the conversation. 

It was obviously some sort of inside joke between the brothers, and he wasn’t quite sure what to think. 

“Well, have you asked her out yet? You better hurry, or someone might beat you to it.” 

“Yeah, but is it too soon? And how do I know if she likes me back?”

“Nonsense, it’s not too soon. Hmm, let’s see,” Dean paused, thinking. “Well, does she laugh at your jokes?”

“Um…I think so. Why?”

“Easy, if a girl always laugh at your jokes, it means she’s attracted to you. And believe me, your jokes are not funny, so she’s either gotta be crazy or she likes you.” 

“I get my jokes from you, so if they’re not funny, that’s your fault.” 

Cas tried to hold in his laughter at that, and it came out as a snort. 

Dean looked at him in surprise and his lips turned into a pout.

“Hey, who’s side are you on, Cas?” 

“I apologize, I couldn’t help it. But Dean is correct, Sam. It is proven that when a person is attracted to someone, they do tend to find that person humorous.” 

“Ha!” Dean stuck his tongue out at Sam then turned his eyes to Cas and winked. “Nice save by the way.” 

Immediately his cheeks felt hot, and he had to control where his thoughts drifted. He smiled coyly and had to break eye contact. 

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud ding coming from a phone. Dean pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and began reading the received text message. 

“Okay, Benny said he’s on his way. Come on, I’ll start making lunch.” He stood from the bed and waved to them to follow. 

They all proceeded down the staircase into the kitchen, and Sam took a seat at a stool by the island, while Dean went around to the other side and opened the fridge. Cas hesitated, torn between whether to sit down or offer to help. 

He watched a moment as Dean riffled through the fridge, grabbing a tomato and what looked like a block of cheese. Finally he decided it would be polite to offer a hand. 

“Dean, did you perhaps need assistance with anything? I’m not all that skilled, but I can help.” 

Dean looked up from the drawer he had pulled open and gave a lopsided grin.

“Sure. Can you slice a tomato?” 

Cas paused, not wanting to confess that he’d never cooked a day in his life. Well, besides microwaveable meals, Ramen, and Mac n’ cheese.

Not that he wasn’t confident he could figure it out. Cas just didn’t like knives. That was actually the major reason he had never delved into acquiring culinary skills.

“Yes,” he lied, as he stepped around to join Dean on the other side. On the bright side, this gave him the opportunity to be next to Dean. 

He also didn’t want him to think he was afraid to do this one simple task. Plus, Dean’s smile made him all the more willing to try to overcome his fear. 

He was handed a knife, as Dean put the tomatoes down on a wooden cutting board in front of him, then he went back to the block of cheese.

“What exactly are we making, Dean?” Cas questioned as curiosity got the best of him while also trying to control his heartbeat. He looked at the knife in his hand, the light overhead reflecting in the metal blade. He took a deep breath. 

“Grilled cheese,” he replied as he started slicing up the cheese. 

Cas would never had guessed that tomatoes had anything to do with that particular meal choice.

“Why am I cutting into these tomatoes then, if I may ask?”

Sam and Dean both chuckled.

“You’ve never had tomatoes on your grilled cheese before, Cas?” Sam grinned from his stool. 

“No, never. Is that something that is done regularly?” He knew he was just trying to distract himself as he worked up his courage. 

“Hell yeah, just wait ‘til you try it,” Dean said and pulled out a loaf of bread, setting it next to the butter he had pulled out of the fridge. 

“They’re really good. Kinda Dean’s specialty.” 

“Well, then I’m sure I’ll like them.” Cas and Dean exchanged grins, but he had to look away. He knew he had to get back to focusing on the task at hand. 

Trying to control the shaking of his hands, he held a tomato carefully in one and the knife in the other. He was the one in control of the knife, no one else. He could do this.

Tentatively, he sliced into it. 

After a few successful times, he was feeling pretty confident. Everything was going fine, he was almost finished, until the tomato slipped from his grip and instead of the knife cutting into its skin, it sliced right into Cas’ finger. 

Sharp pain jolted him and he let out a faint cry. 

Red blood poured from the open wound, and Cas froze as images from that night flooded his mind. 

Michael falling to the ground.  
‘No! He had nothing to do with it!’  
Michael laying in a pool of blood.  
So much blood….it was all his fault….  
‘No! Michael! Please don’t leave me! Please!’  
Michael’s blank eyes, staring up at him.   
‘Michael! No no no…I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry… Please don’t go…’

“Cas! Cas, are you okay?” 

Dean was all of a sudden there, holding a rag over his finger, and he realized that tears were streaming down his cheeks. He blinked rapidly, and used his other sleeve to wipe them away. 

“I’m- I’m fine,” Cas replied, his voice a little shaky.   
Sam and Dean were both looking at him with worried expressions. Blinking again, trying to shake himself out of his memories, he took a deep breath. 

“Come on, there’s a first aid kit in the bathroom.” 

Still pressing the towel around his injured finger, Dean gave his brother a quick look, then guided him to the upstairs bathroom. 

Cas went quietly, embarrassed to be in yet another vulnerable situation around Dean. 

Dean gently sat him down on the toilet, and directed him to hold the rag while he dug around underneath the sink for the first aid kit. 

“Okay, here we go. Let me see it.” 

He knelt down in front of Cas, and gingerly lifted the towel from the wound. Cas had to look away or be at risk for throwing up in front of his friend again. 

“Alright, it’s not too bad. Let’s clean it first, then we can put some medicine and a bandage on, and you’ll be good to go.” 

Cas could only nod, still averting his gaze as Dean worked at tending to his injury. 

When it was finally finished, Dean put the kit back in its place and washed his hands. 

“You okay, Cas?”He asked quietly and sat down on the side of the tub, across from where he sat. 

He could tell he wanted to ask more, but he was being true to his word earlier that day. He wasn’t going to pry or push him into talking, which Cas was thankful for because he definitely did not feel like talking at the moment.

It was all too much, still too fresh in his mind.   
He shouldn’t have pushed himself earlier. He should’ve realized he wasn’t ready for knives yet. It was still too soon.

Cas looked down at his bandaged finger, all of a sudden overwhelmed with exhaustion. He was just so tired of it all, having to constantly fight himself every day. He just wanted to be normal, like everyone else. He was just so tired of being the damaged one. The broken one. 

He brought his uninjured hand up to his cheek, running his fingers over the deep scar etched into the skin. 

“Cas?” Dean’s voice snapped him back to the present.

Realizing that he should give a response, Cas quickly dropped his hand into his lap and nodded.

“I’m okay. Thank you, Dean. I’m sorry. I- I lied earlier when I said I’ve cut a tomato before.” 

“It’s fine, Cas. I don’t care about that. Are you sure you’re okay? Is there…anything I can do?” 

Cas looked up to meet his eyes, amazed yet again at how easily Dean was able to soothe him with the right words. 

He also wished that he could kiss those full lips. That would definitely make him feel even better. Instead, he shook his head.

“No, you’ve already done so much, Dean. Thank you. I’m okay now.” 

“Okay, well, good. Let’s go finish lunch. I’ll have you butter the bread this time. Think you can do that with your finger all bandaged up?” Dean’s smile did wonders for lifting Cas’ spirit. 

He nodded again, returning his expression.

“Yes, I think I can handle that.” 

“Alright, let’s go.” Dean stood and offered his hand.

Cas took it, his stomach fluttering, rising to his feet, and together they went back down to the kitchen. 

DEAN POV

They hadn’t known each other for very long, but Dean was already protective of his new friend.

He knew that he told Cas he didn’t have to tell him anything, but right now he was really wishing he hadn’t.  
It was driving him batty not knowing the full story, of what happened to him to cause so much damage, physically and mentally. 

He was also angry, and whoever or whatever had hurt him, well, Dean really wanted to make them pay. 

But as frustrating as it was being in the dark, he knew he just needed to be patient with Cas. 

It was obvious that Cas didn’t give his trust easily, so he just had to keep showing him that Dean Winchester was a true and loyal friend. 

Everything had gone back to normal as they had finished preparing lunch, and Benny had finally shown up. Sam, thank goodness, was smart enough not to mention Cas’ freak out, and the day progressed peacefully without another incident. 

It was nice being able to take a break from school, especially with his parents being gone. 

Cas had yet to meet his parents, and Dean planned on keeping it that way for as long as possible. He definitely didn’t want Cas to see his mom have a drunken tantrum or to see his dad berating him for one thing or another. 

That was drama he could live without, thank you very much.

They were all lounging in the living room sprawled out on the sectional, talking about girls, and catching Benny up on Sam and that Jessica chick. 

“But don’t even think about doing ‘the do’ until you’re like 30. You’re not allowed to even think about it til then, got it?” 

“Wait, Dean, you can’t be such a hypocrite. How old were you when you first…you know…?” Sam put on his bitch face, narrowing his eyes at him.

“If you can’t even say the word, you’re definitely not ready for it,” Benny laughed.

“Seriously, though, how old were you?”

“I was 16, but that doesn’t give you permission. Plus you’re still 14.” Dean grumbled back, pointing a finger at him.

“Yeah, I was 16, too. Andrea Kormos, love of my life.” Benny sighed dreamily. “She and her family had to move back to Greece. We tried to stay in contact, but you know how those things always go. But I’ll never forget her.” 

“Yeah, I remember. You were head over heels for that girl.” Dean playfully slugged his best friend’s shoulder.

“Just like you were for Cassie Robinson.” Benny wagged his eyebrows up and down. 

Dean’s smile faded at the mention of that name. 

Cassie….he tried his hardest not to think about her, but she would sneak up on him every now and then. Dean was pretty good at compartmentalizing, but sometimes he wondered how different his life would be if they were still together. 

“Oh, sorry, brother, didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.” Benny frowned. 

“No…it’s okay. I’m fine.” Dean shrugged it off, wanting to downplay the topic.

“What about you, Cas?” Sam steered the conversation away from his past love life.

“Oh, um…”

Cas seemed surprised by the sudden turn, and his cheeks got red. Dean turned his full attention to him, curious to know the answer.

“I- I was 15. On my 15th birthday, actually.” 

“We-eh-ell, look at you, Cas.” He smiled, nodding approvingly, and his friend turned a deeper shade of red.

“Oh, so for Cas it’s okay, but for me, I gotta wait till 30? That’s bullshit, Dean.” Sam pouted again. 

“Hey, I don’t make the brother rules, I just enforce them,” he held his hands up innocently, and Benny and Cas both laughed at the absurdity of it. 

Dean’s stomach fluttered at hearing Cas laugh and at the thought that he had made him, but he hurriedly squashed down any further feelings.

“Yeah right.” Sammy griped, crossing his arms. 

“So, who was your first, Cas?” Benny decided to ignore the brothers’ squabble. 

“It was Anna.” 

“No way!” Dean interjected. “You mean to tell me you’ve only slept with one person?” 

Cas smiled, shaking his head. “No, no, I’ve been with others, Anna just happened to be my first.” 

“So, you weren’t dating then?” Sam asked.

“No, we were just friends at the time. It was really just for the sexual experience. Well, you know, it’s…it’s complicated.” 

Dean’s eyebrows pretty much shot up to the roof at that statement. Just for the sexual experience? Cas really knew how to throw a curve ball. 

“Wow…” Was all Dean could come up with to say.

He also caught those pesky feelings escaping from the prison he had thought was locked up tight, but apparently not tight enough. Images of what Cas might look like without clothes on were automatically slammed back into the part of his brain that wasn’t supposed to be opened, but Dean still felt his cheeks get warm and his heart accelerate. 

“Well, you are definitely a complicated guy, Cas,” Sam chuckled, breaking Dean out of his frightening thoughts.

Cas looked down at his lap, and he could tell he was embarrassed. Dean stretched his arms into the air, faking a yawn, then patted his stomach. 

“Okay, so, uh, who’s up for pizza? I’m starving!” He quickly changed the topic back to a safer subject, and he caught Cas’ grateful grin before reaching for his cell phone. 

His heart betrayed him by speeding up again. God, he loved it when Cas looked at him like that. 

He hastily threw that thought away and concentrated on finding the pizza app.

“I want Supreme,” Sam piped in and Dean clung to it like a lifeline, scrambling to focus.

‘Get ahold of yourself, man.’

“How ‘bout you, Cas?” He tried his hardest to act like everything was normal.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” he answered quietly. “As long as I don’t have to cut anymore tomatoes.” 

Dean and Sam burst into fits of laughter and it took quite awhile before he was able to calm down enough to order the pizzas, Benny just looking at them like they were nuts.

And maybe Dean was going nuts. Maybe he was going stark-raving mad. It seemed no matter how many times he shoved it away, that feeling always came back with a vengeance, and those blue eyes remained burned into his retinas. 

But he absolutely refused to entertain the idea that there was something to it, that he actually had any type of feelings for Cas. There was just something wrong with him right now, but those emotions would pass, and he would go back to being normal again. The sooner the better.

After they ate dinner, they watched a couple of movies, until finally it was late, and they decided it was time for bed. 

“Okay, so Cas, you can take the couch, if that’s okay. Benny usually takes over the guest room.” 

They were up in his bedroom discussing sleeping arrangements. By couch he meant the one in his bedroom, and he hoped that Cas wasn’t offended by not getting an actual bed. 

“That’s fine, I don’t mind.” They shared a look, then Dean remembered his overnight bag, and he awkwardly stepped away to his closet to retrieve it.

“Thought you might need this,” he said, handing it to him.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas gave him that same small smile.

Dean cleared his throat and stepped away, trying everything he could to fight off how his body was reacting, like somehow he was being pulled magnetically towards Cas. 

“I’ll uh, I’ll give you some space. I’m gonna go brush my teeth, I’ll be back.” 

As soon as he was out of sight, he bolted to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, and took a deep breath to steady himself. 

He splashed some water on his face and looked at his face in the mirror. 

‘What is happening to me?’

Finally, when the lights went off, and they were all lying down, Dean closed his eyes, exhausted from riding the emotional roller coaster of the day. Cas was quiet from his side on the couch, and he had to admit he was thankful. There was just too much shit he had to get right in his head. 

A good thirty minutes or so went by, but he was still wide awake, not able to get his mind to shut off. He rolled over onto his side, trying to get comfortable. 

“Dean?” 

Startled, he opened his eyes, and saw Cas looking back at him from the couch.

“Yeah?” 

“May I ask you a question?”

“Uh, sure. What’s up?”

“I was just wondering…well, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I was wondering about who Cassie was? You- you just seemed sad when Benny mentioned her earlier.” 

“Oh.” That was the last thing that Dean had expected him to ask. It hurt just to think about what he had been forced to do to her. 

“Like I said, it’s okay if you don’t want to answer.”

At first, he was going to shrug it off, but then he realized something. If Dean really wanted to build trust between them, maybe this was what he had to do. Maybe Cas needed Dean to open up to him, before Cas could do the same.

“No, it’s-it’s okay, um, Cassie was my girlfriend a few years ago. I, uh, I broke up with her.”

“But if you felt so strongly for her, why?”

“Well, you remember when I told you how my parents wanted me to get married and how my mom was always setting me up with different girls?”

“Yes, I remember. I said it wasn’t very logical when you just started college.” 

Dean breathed a laugh.

“Yeah, well, okay, so my dad always told me not to bring home a girl unless I was serious about her. And I never had, not once, until Cassie. Because, well, I was very serious about her, to say the least. I was really excited about them meeting her, was absolutely convinced they would love her just as much as I did. But the thing with my parents is, they think if you don’t got money, then you’re less than. Not worthy. And Cassie, well, she was at my private school on a scholarship. Her parents couldn’t have afforded it otherwise. And of course, I don’t care about that kinda crap, but when my parents found out, they weren’t exactly as accepting as me.”

“Wow, so…what happened?”

This was the hard part to tell. Dean took a deep breath before continuing.

“As soon as I got back from taking Cassie home, they told me I had to break up with her.”

“Wait, so…you did? Just because they told you  
to?”

“Yeah, well, you don’t exactly say no to John Winchester. And I…I knew she would fight for me if she knew it was just because of my parents, so I had to let her think it was my idea. That…that I didn’t love her anymore. So the next day I told her I was…embarrassed by her and that she humiliated me in front of my parents, the whole shebang…it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The week after we broke up, she dropped out of the school, and I haven’t seen her since.” 

Dean’s heart felt like it was being ripped in half all over again. He fought back the tears threatening to fall. The look on Cassie’s face when he had broke her heart would haunt him until the day he died. How could he have done something so aweful to her? Cas must think he was a monster. 

“Dean I’m- I’m so sorry. What your parents made you do is terrible. I can’t believe they would ask that of you.” 

Sympathy wasn’t exactly what he expected, but he took solace in the fact that Cas wasn’t horrified of his actions. He didn’t seem to think Dean was the monster that he felt he was. 

“Yeah, be thankful you haven’t met my parents yet…..And thanks, man.” 

“You never have to thank me for listening to you, Dean. Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it must have been hard.” 

“Yeah, well, I figure maybe one day you’ll share a story with me.” 

“Yes…one day…” 

Dean could just make out that small smile on his face from the moonlight coming in through the window, and he smiled back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas get a little flirty.
> 
> Cas reveals a little about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience for those who have been waiting on an update.  
With all the holidays it’s been a little crazy, so thanks for hanging in there. 
> 
> This is a big fluffy flirty chapter and I think it’s adorable, so hopefully y’all do, too!
> 
> Any comments are greatly appreciated! If you’re enjoying it so far, please let me know!

Saturday September 7

CAS POV

“I have so much work to get done, Dean. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to join you at your house today.”

Cas frowned down at his text book, sighing in exasperation. He was sitting at the desk in their dorm, while his roommate was sitting on his own bed typing away on his laptop. 

They had already showered after their morning run and had been working on any assignments they still had left to do.

He hadn’t slept well the night before, having had another nightmare, so he knew they were both exhausted, as Dean had woken him and stayed up with him all night.

Just thinking about it too much made him cringe with embarrassment. He hated that Dean had to see him like that. 

Cas ran his fingers through his hair, sweeping it out of his eyes, and tried to focus on the words on the page. 

“What? No way, man, I had plans for us, you gotta come.” 

A quick glance up showed Dean stop typing, and their eyes met for just that brief moment before he looked back down at his book, ignoring the feelings that Dean’s eyes stirred in him. He had a hard time refusing his friend, but he knew he had to finish his assignments. 

“I’m sorry, you know I would like to, but this is due on Monday.”

The sound of Dean’s laptop closing made him look up again. His friend then proceeded to climb out of bed, leaving his computer behind, and swiped Cas’ textbook off of the desk. 

“No way, man, you’re coming!”

Cas tried to fight the smile that spread across his face, but to no avail. Before he looked up again, he struggled to fix his face into a more severe expression.

“Dean, I’m serious. I have three more chapters to read, then an essay to write. Please give me back my book.” 

The mischievous smirk on Dean’s face made his stomach twist in knots.

“Don’t worry, I’ll let you finish your homework. You’ll get your book back tonight. Now, come on.”

His roommate tucked the textbook under his arm, giving him a victory smile when Cas finally relented, and stood from his chair. 

“Fine,” Cas sighed, and began getting his overnight supplies together. 

Honestly, he hated being interrupted when working, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to be irritated with Dean. If anything, now he was curious as to what he had planned for them. 

Was this just something that Dean had planned to get his mind off his nightmares, or had he already had it in mind?

He knew Benny wasn’t able to go with them because of something to do with his parents, but he wasn’t sure about Jo. She normally had a lot to do on the weekends, helping her mom, but whether this was one of those weekends, Cas had no idea. And of course, he expected Sam to be there. 

So what could they be doing that was so important to Dean? 

When they were once again in the Impala on their way to Dean’s house, he couldn’t take the suspense anymore.

“What exactly do you have planned for us, if I may ask?”

Dean smiled, keeping his eyes on the road. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Castiel couldn’t help but feel frustrated, but also a little bit excited. Dean seemed to have put a lot of thought into this, meaning he had been thinking about him. Dean had thought about something special to do together. 

Almost like…a date. 

No, but if his little brother was there, did that still count as a date? Did Dean think of it in that way, or were they simply “hanging out?” 

Again, the thoughts of his nightmare kept creeping up on him. Was Dean doing this because he pitied him?

“You’re not going to tell me?” He asked, suspicion looming underneath his excitement. 

“You’ll find out.” Was the only response he was given. 

“Are Jo and Sam going to be there? Are we going somewhere or is it at the house?” 

He decided he was going to try to get as much information out of him as he could. 

Dean laughed. 

“Dude, chill out, it’s no big deal. It’s just something I thought would be fun for just us.” 

Cas tried to keep his face neutral as their eyes met for a second, before Dean had to pay attention to the road again. He also tried to control his heart as it started beating furiously in his chest, and he felt the heat rise to his cheeks. 

‘Just us.’

The words echoed in his mind, excitement rushing through his veins, but his anxiety soon got the better of him. No, this was not a date, how could it be? Dean didn’t think of him in that way, had never given any indication. He was just over-analyzing the situation, like he always did. 

Dean was his friend and nothing more, but Cas was okay with that. He had to be okay with that. 

Alright, enough was enough. It was final, he was going to get a handle on his emotions. No more crushing on his roommate, it would only lead to disaster and heartache. Things like that would always end badly for him, so there was no sense in getting his hopes up or wasting anymore energy on it. 

That was that, he was washing his hands clean of it. Friends and only friends. Yes, he could do that. Like Dean said, it was no big deal. 

He stayed quiet in his thoughts for the rest of the trip, twirling the beads on his bracelets around and around, trying to stay confident in his decision, his heart still pounding under his rib cage. He chose to keep his focus on what was outside the window, afraid that one look at Dean, and his resolve would crumble.

Finally, the car pulled into the winding driveway, up to the house. Still avoiding eye contact, Cas pushed open the door, grabbing his overnight bag as he went. 

When inside, he looked around for any signs of what Dean had planned for them. Everything seemed to be normal, but with nobody else in sight.

“Where’s Sam?” Cas wondered aloud.

“He’s at his friend Kevin’s house. They’re working on a science project together.” 

“Oh.”

“Come on, let’s put our stuff down in my room first.” 

Cas followed Dean up the stairs, still turning over the possibilities in his head. Sam wasn’t there, and it seemed it was staying that way for awhile. It was just the two of them. 

Dean threw his backpack onto his bed, and took off his shoes, as Cas set his bag gently down on the couch, and did the same, then looked to him expectantly. 

Dean surprised him by taking his hand and holding it up, inspecting it. His heart immediately jumped into his throat. 

“How’s your finger? All healed up?” 

“Oh, um, yes, it is.”

“Good. Come on,” Letting go of his hand, he gestured for him to follow again. 

Even more confused, Cas simply did as he was told, trailing his friend into the kitchen. 

Dean began opening cabinets, pulling out bowls, measuring cups, and what seemed to be cooking ingredients. 

“Dean, I can’t…” He began shaking his head when he saw Dean pull out a huge knife and realized what was planned.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be doing the cutting.” He reassured, setting the knife down lightly on the counter. He then went to the fridge and pulled out a bag of apples, a stick of butter, and eggs.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Dean. I’ve never really cooked before.”

“Exactly why it is a good idea. I thought it’d be fun to teach you some stuff. I’ve been cooking since I was six, so I know what I’m doing. It’ll be fine, Cas, I promise.” 

Dean smiled at him, and he sighed, eyeing the knife warily. 

“What are we making?” He frowned.

“Apple pie, of course. Love me some pie.” Dean patted his stomach, still smiling, then came up behind him, putting his hands on his shoulders, and guided Cas around to the other side of the kitchen island.

Cas tried to reject his body’s reaction to having Dean’s hands on him. 

‘Just friends, just friends.’ He repeated to himself.

“You can start mixing the dough while I cut up the apples. Let’s wash our hands first, though, that’s a very important first step.” 

Cas again did as he was told, rolling up his sleeves, and scrubbed his hands under the hot water. 

Dean walked him through what he supposed to do to mix the dough, then went to the side with the red and green apples, and began cutting them up. 

Cas was still a little unsure if he was going to do it right, but he began measuring the flour, salt, and butter, putting them into the big bowl Dean had set in front of him. 

Nervous, he picked up the mixer and peered down at it, hesitating. He had never used one before, and he didn’t want to make a mess. 

On top of that, the sound of the knife hitting the cutting board each time it sliced through an apple was making him more and more anxious. 

Still looking at the mixer in his shaking hand, he did his best to ignore the sound, taking calming breaths. He needed to settle down, needed to focus of what he was supposed to be doing, but all he could see and hear was the knife. 

“You okay, Cas?”

The cutting sound stopped, and he looked up to meet Dean’s eyes. Cas wanted to say yes, he was perfectly fine, he could handle this, but in reality he was starting to panic. He eyed the knife that Dean was holding, and shook his head, unable to speak, his heart pounding in his chest. 

Dean glanced down at the metal blade.

“How about I just cut these up later. Let me help you with the dough.” He then turned and put the knife in the sink, out of view. 

The knot in his stomach loosened, and Cas closed his eyes, letting out a breath of relief. He felt hands on his, and when he opened his eyes, Dean was standing next to him, gently taking the mixer from him, and setting it down.

Their eyes met, and Dean faced him, still holding his hands.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t realize…”

Cas tried to give a comforting smile. 

“No, it’s okay, Dean. I want to. I just…have a hard time with- with knives…Last week I thought I could deal with it, but then I got cut again, and now I just, I don’t know….and- and you planned this, and if we don’t, then I’ll feel bad…” He shook his head, knowing he wasn’t making a lot of sense. 

“Cas, it’s fine, it’s not a big deal—“

“It’s a big deal to me, Dean.”

“Okay, well, let’s make the dough, then, and I can do the apples last. I’ll be here to help you with whatever you need. Sound good?” He squeezed Cas’ hands reassuringly, grinning. 

He took a deep breath once again, nodding. 

“Yes. Thank you, Dean.” 

They shared a smile, their eyes lingering on each other’s, and Castiel felt himself relaxing, finding his center again. 

Dean was there. Everything was fine. No one was going to hurt him. The knife was no longer a threat. Dean was there. The warmth from his hands was soothing, and the kindness in his eyes was comforting. 

All of a sudden, there was white powder being thrown at his face. Cas looked at his roommate in surprise, his eyes wide, and Dean laughed. 

“What…?” 

He wiped at his face, the flour falling onto his shirt and on the floor. 

Still chuckling, Dean reached into the bowl and threw more at him, backing away from the cloud of white in the air. 

Cas blinked the flour out of his eyes, not knowing how to react to this turn of events. 

Dean was on the other side of the island now, doubled over laughing. 

Breaking out into a grin, Cas grabbed a handful of the powder, and launched it in Dean’s direction. The chalky substance flew at him, but he ducked out of the way, around the kitchen island. 

Cas took the bowl off the counter, not wanting to grant Dean access to any more. They circled around the island, grinning. 

“Oh, you think you can take me on, huh?” Dean arched an eyebrow. 

Not responding, Cas faked going one way, then quickly changed direction, and flung more flour at his face when he knew he had tricked him. 

“Ah, you son of a bitch!” Dean laughed, and stunned him by running straight for him. 

Around and around the island they ran, laughing, Cas throwing more of the white powder randomly behind him, hoping to catch him with some. 

Dean then decided to change tactics, and reached for the cinnamon he had set out earlier, flinging it right at his face. Cas had to swiftly close his eyes and turn away to avoid getting any in his eyes. 

It shortly became a war of white and brown being thrown from every which way, both of them unable to contain their laughter. 

Suddenly, he felt Dean behind him. Before he could react, something cracked on his head, and oozing wetness went dribbling down his face and the back of his neck. Slowly, Cas turned around and glared at his friend in shock, wiping at the slimy egg dripping from his face. 

Too busy laughing, Dean didn’t notice when Cas took another egg off the counter, and proceeded to exact his revenge. He pulled at the collar of Dean’s shirt, dropping the egg inside, and before he could be stopped, crushed the egg as it fell, smashing it all over his chest on the inside of his shirt. 

Dean immediately stopped laughing, looking at Cas in utter astonishment, his mouth agape. 

“I can’t believe you just did that…” 

Cas smirked, and hurriedly snatched another egg, this time crushing it on his head. 

Dean hastily started grabbing as many eggs as he could, backing away, and propelling them straight at him. 

Ducking and weaving, Cas tried to avoid them, but was still hit by a few. All he had left to defend himself with was the last of the sugar, so he began throwing it around the island, trying to get at him, but the eggs were much better at hitting their intended target, and he was hit with a few more. 

Again, the kitchen became a war zone, eggs and sugar mixing with the flour and cinnamon on the floor, becoming very slippery and hard to walk on. 

Finally, they seemed to have run out of ammo. With nothing left to fire, they crawled towards each other and sat down against the cabinets, out of breath from running and laughing so much. 

“Truce?” Cas asked between breaths. 

“Truce.” Dean nodded. 

Their eyes met and they both started laughing again at the absurdity of their actions. 

“Oh my god, Dean, your hair.”

“You should see yours,” he said, and reached out to run his fingers through it, wiping it out of his face, making more flour fall to the floor.

Cas’cheeks warmed at his touch, and he felt the sudden urge to kiss him, his stomach tying into knots. But of course he couldn’t. They were just friends. Just friends. 

Instead, he said, “How are we going to make a pie now?”

That just sent them both into a giggling fit, and it took them awhile to calm down again. 

“Well, we should probably clean ourselves first, then we can work on getting the rest cleaned up. Come on,” Dean stood up carefully, holding onto the counters, not wanting to slip in all the goo on the tile. 

He held out his hand to Cas, and helped pull him up, both of them now holding onto each other. 

“Don’t fall,” Cas warned as Dean took his first step towards the staircase. 

He held onto him as he followed, both of them using the other to steady themselves with each step. 

Cas tried not to notice the feel of Dean’s strong arms, and the heat of his body pressed up against his, or the feel of Dean’s hands on his waist as he steadied him when he almost slipped. He tried, but his pulse still sped up, and his stomach still fluttered, and his cheeks still flushed. 

‘Just friends, just friends, just friends.’

His heart ached as he recited his new mantra, but he knew that was how it had to be. 

They reached the staircase without falling, and as they ascended, they avoided touching anything as best they could, not wanting to make more of a mess. 

He followed Dean into the bathroom, not exactly sure how they were going to get cleaned up without taking an actual shower. 

His question was soon answered when Dean started to get undressed, taking off his shirt. It seemed the freckles on his face trailed down onto his broad shoulders as well, and Cas’ face warmed as his heart thundered even more under his rib cage.

He froze, unsure of how to react. He wanted so badly to be able to touch him, to let this unfold and see the rest of his naked body, to see where else the freckles traveled, but he knew it wasn’t right. 

Plus, if Dean was getting undressed, that meant he was expected to as well, but there was no way that he could let Dean see him that way. Dean could not see the monstrosity of what was left of his body underneath his shirt. Self-conscious, he crossed his arms protectively over his chest. 

“Dean…”

Looking over, Dean must have seen the panic in his eyes, because he stopped unbuttoning his jeans, and gave him a questioning look. Cas didn’t know what to say or do, just stood there staring. After a moment, he somehow seemed to understand and nodded.

“Okay, uh…I’ll, uh, bring your bag in here, then I’ll just go to Sammy’s bathroom. The towels are in there, and feel free to use whatever shampoos and soaps you want.” 

Relief flooded through him, and he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. 

“Thank you, Dean.” 

“No problem,” he said as he approached, stopping to put a hand on his shoulder. 

He paused then, looking into his eyes, electric tension filling the space between them. Cas held his breath again and looked down at Dean’s lips, wanting nothing more than to know what they felt like against his own. 

Before he could say or do anything, however, Dean seemed to shake himself, and continued to pass by. 

The moment was gone, and he was disappointed yet relieved at the same time. Surely Dean had not felt what he had felt in that moment, and he didn’t want to ruin their friendship over a misunderstanding.

Dean quickly returned with his overnight bag, setting it down on the counter, and with one last look, retreated to his brother’s room, shutting the door behind him.

Cas looked down at his flour and egg crusted clothes and sighed. 

Why did he always have to sour a good mood?

DEAN POV

It was harder than he thought to get the egg out of his hair, and he wasn’t used to Sammy’s flowery shampoos, but he had to admit they smelled pretty good. 

Trying to slow his heart rate and his shaking hands, he took slow, deliberate breaths, as the hot water ran down his body, taking all the evidence of their food fight with it. 

He had wanted to kiss him. Dean had wanted to kiss Cas. The thought terrified him more than anything ever had in his life. The way his ocean blue eyes sparkled, and how his smile seemed to light up the whole room sent shivers down his spine and his heart to pound uncontrollably in his chest. 

It seemed his stomach was forever in knots around him, and he couldn’t keep his face from blushing like a school girl. 

Dean liked Cas, he liked spending time with him. In fact, he wanted to spend all of his time with him, and had been excited that the day was going to be just the two of them. And even though the day hadn’t gone as expected, he had still been able to turn it around with the spontaneous food fight, and Cas’ mood had improved ten-fold. 

He just hadn’t predicted that he would wind up wanting to kiss the guy. Geez, what was wrong with him? He liked girls, couldn’t recall ever being attracted to another guy. 

So why was he having these feelings towards Cas? And why did he always circle back to this? He’d already gone over this in his head, already convinced himself a hundred times that he wasn’t allowed to feel this way. His dad would never accept it. Not in a million years. The point was moot by now.

Besides, Cas had a girlfriend. There was no chance that he felt any of the same things. He hadn’t even wanted to take his shirt off in front him, so yeah, no chance whatsoever. 

Dean just needed to forget about these stupid emotions. They were just friends, that was all. Just friends. Yep, no more thoughts of kissing Cas, that was it, he was locking it up and throwing away the key. Steeling his resolve, he clenched his jaw, and nodded to himself. 

Once that was settled, and he was finally finished washing, he turned off the water, dried off, and promptly got dressed in new clothes, feeling confident that he had won the argument for good this time.

Instead of waiting for Cas, he headed straight downstairs to get a jump start on the clean up. And boy did they need to clean. It was a total disaster zone down there, especially the floor. 

He tip-toed carefully to the sink, and began digging around in the cabinets underneath for all the cleaning supplies, along with lots of paper towels and rags.   
The tiles were probably the smartest thing to start with, so they could actually walk around, he decided, and went to work. 

He supposed he could only be upset with himself, since he was the one who had started it. He couldn’t seem to regret it, though, when he replayed the whole thing out in his head. No, it was totally worth it to see the smile on Cas’ face. 

Movement caught the corner of his eye, and looking up, he saw Cas standing at the edge of the kitchen. Their eyes met, and they both smiled.

“What, uh…what should I start on?” 

Cas asked, looking awkward and out of place with his hands tucked into the front pockets of his jeans, rocking back and forth of the heels of his bare feet. 

He was in fresh clothes, his long sleeve blue shirt clinging to his damp skin underneath, and making his eyes pop. His hair was wet and disheveled, still dripping in some places. He looked so adorable, Dean’s heart ached and his stomach twisted, but he immediately clamped down on the thought, shoving it away. 

Clearing his throat, he threw him a roll of paper towels, yelling a warning, “Head’s up!” 

Startled, Cas barely caught it, almost fumbling it onto the messy tile in front of him, giving an apologetic grin.

“I think doing the floor first is best, start on that side.” 

They shared a smile one more time before they got to work on cleaning up the kitchen. With both of them working it didn’t take as long as he expected, and they were soon ready for their original task: making an apple pie. 

“Luckily we didn’t touch what was in this bowl, so I think we’re good.” Dean said after inspecting what was left. 

He tried to let Cas do as much as he could by himself, walking him through all the steps. Occasionally Dean would step in when he saw he needed help, and he had to send him into the other room while he finished chopping the apples up, but Cas seemed to have fun, growing more confident as they went, and that was what mattered most. 

While it was baking in the oven, they went to the living room and put on a movie, waiting for the timer to go off so they could finally taste the fruit of their labor. 

Dean was still trying to catch his friend up on all the classics, so naturally ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’ was the one he decided on. 

“This is a must see,” he grinned at him from the other side of the couch. 

He thought it was wise to keep some physical distance between them so those pesky feelings didn’t sneak back up on him. 

“All of these have been a ‘must see,’ Dean,” Cas grinned playfully back. 

He breathed a laugh, shaking his head. “Alright there, Sassy Cas. Sassy ass, Cas. Sassy gassy ass, Cas. Sassy gassy lassy massy ass, Cas.” 

“Are you done?” Cas said, rolling his eyes, but he saw him trying not to crack a smile as Dean started laughing.

“Your name rhymes with lots of things, too, you know. Mean Dean.” 

“Mean, bean, lean, keen, seen,” Dean listed them just to be an asshole, chuckling at how much he was annoying him. Cas was cute when he was annoyed. Not that he was going to admit that to himself. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet so you can enjoy the movie,” he relented, and they settled into the couch.

When the timer went off, signaling that the pie was finally done, and after letting it cool off a bit, Dean paused the movie to fix them both a plate of the warm appley delight, along with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side.

“Mmmmm,” Cas moaned as he took his first bite, and Dean dropped his spoon at the sound. 

He scrambled to catch it, and tried to act as if nothing had happened, but he could feel the warmth flood his cheeks. 

“This is really good,” Cas said through a mouthful.

Avoiding eye contact, he dove into his piece, and had to refrain from echoing the sentiment, because damn that was some good apple pie.

They continued watching the movie, both of them eating another slice, and Dean did his best to ignore all the sounds and images coming from his roommate’s direction, instead concentrating on quoting the movie lines he’d had memorized from a young age. Cas didn’t seem to mind, never saying anything about it, and would even occasionally chuckle at his theatrics.

All in all, Cas seemed to have enjoyed their day so far, and as the credits rolled, Dean turned off the TV, not sure what else to do. It was still too early for dinner, plus they had both just eaten almost a whole pie together, so he doubted eating again was appropriate. 

He glanced over at Cas from his side of the couch, their eyes meeting, a smile pulling at his lips. 

Man, how could his eyes be so blue? Dean’s eyes started to trail down the scar etched into his left cheek, wondering yet again what had happened to him, and wishing he could’ve been there to stop it. He hated that he was basically useless when he had his nightmares, wished there was something else he could do for him. 

It seemed they were both at a loss of what to say, and they lapsed into silence, tension slowly filling the space between them. Heart hammering in his chest, he itched with the need to be closer to him, but he quickly vetoed the idea, staying planted in his seat. 

“Dean?” 

“Hm?” 

“I…I want to thank you for being such a good friend. When I first decided to move here, I was terrified of what school was going to be like, who I was going to be rooming with, if I was going to make any friends…everything. But you— you’ve made my time here so much better than I ever could’ve hoped. You’ve just been so great, and so understanding….And I’m really grateful that we met. I— I hope I’m not out of line saying that…” Cheeks flushed, Cas broke eye contact, looking down at his lap. 

Dean’s chest grew tight for a moment, and he lost the ability to speak. He cleared his throat, trying to recover, scrambling for words. 

“Cas…wow, um, of course you’re not out of line…um, thank you. And you’re welcome. I’m glad that we met, too. And…you’re not too bad yourself.” Dean cracked a smile, hoping his expression could convey the message better than his words. 

Cas looked back up at him, and they both smiled.

“And I had fun today. Thank you for…everything. I think the pie turned out pretty good, too.” 

“Are you kidding, that was the best apple pie I think I’ve ever had.” Dean replied, making Cas beam even more.

They stared at each other, the mood becoming serious and the tension returning. Dean’s stomach was swirling with butterflies, his pulse speeding back up, when suddenly Cas broke their gaze again, looking down at the braclets on his wrist. He began turning them around, an anxious expression on his face, his frown pulling at his scar. 

Dean waited, feeling as though Cas wanted to say something, but was struggling. 

“Dean, I…” He began, but paused to take a shaky breath. 

Again, Dean remained silent, trying hard to be patient.

“Dean, I’m sorry that I haven’t been as good of a friend.”

“What do you mean? Of course you have.” That was the last thing he had expected to hear. What was he talking about?

Cas just shook his head, still concentrating on his bracelets. 

“You’ve haven’t asked any questions, but I haven’t been very forthcoming, either. I guess, I felt that if you didn’t ask, then I didn’t have to tell you. But…but that’s not how friendship works.” 

Around and around went the beads, Cas avoiding looking up. Dean wasn’t sure exactly where this was going.

“It’s just….there’s a lot about my past that’s…complicated…and well, hard for me to talk about.” 

Oh. There it was. Now he understood. 

“Cas, like I said, you don’t have to tell me anything. Not telling me doesn’t mean you’re being a bad friend.” 

“I— I feel like it is, though, Dean. So…therefore I propose that you get to ask me one question now, and maybe in a few more weeks, you can ask another one.”

Dean’s confusion must have shown clearly on his face, and he shook his head as he tried to sort out what was happening. 

“Cas, you don’t owe me anything. We’re friends, yeah, but if you’re not comfortable telling me something, I’m not gonna get upset about it.” 

This time, Cas met his gaze, his blue eyes pleading.

“Dean, just please…I want to do this. I think it’ll help me, too. Please. Ask me one question. Any question.” 

Dean’s mind was spinning with all of the possibilities, all of the questions that he had wanted to ask since he first saw the scar on his face. He wanted to know everything, but he didn’t know where to start. 

Plus, he didn’t feel right about the whole thing. He hated that Cas felt like a bad friend, because that was the farthest thing from the truth. It had only been a few weeks and Cas was turning out to be one of his best friends. And Dean Winchester didn’t have many of those.

He could tell Cas was nervous, and he didn’t want to send him into a panic on the first question, so after thinking about it a few minutes, Dean finally settled on one he thought Cas could handle. Not too complicated. 

He hoped anyway.

“Okay then….who’s Michael?” 

Cas’ eyes widened in shock, and Dean could just make out tears forming as he hurriedly turned away, facing the blank TV screen. 

It was quiet a few minutes, and Dean waited, knowing that Cas needed time. He expected any question he had asked would have been hard on Cas, so he tried to stay calm and patient as possible, even with his heart pounding in his ears. 

After another minute went by, Cas still staring at the TV, Dean scooted closer towards him and put a hand on top of his. He spoke barely above a whisper. 

“You don’t have to answer, Cas. It’s okay.” 

Cas shook his head and took a trembling breath. 

“Michael…” He pulled his hand away, wiping at his cheeks. 

Dean couldn’t see the tears, but he knew they were there, could hear it in his voice. He wanted to touch him again, wanted to put his arms around him, to comfort him, but then thought better of it, instead putting his hand back in his lap, waiting for him to speak again.

“Michael was my best friend. My…family. He…he died.” 

Dean’s heart broke, the aching in his chest nearly bursting. Cas swiped at his eyes a few more times, and Dean finally gave in, putting a hand on his shoulder, squeezing a little for some form of comfort.

“Cas…I’m so sorry…” 

His words trailed off, hanging in the air. He didn’t know what to say. What was he supposed to say to something like that? Sorry wasn’t going to bring his friend back, but neither were any other words. 

He gave his shoulder another squeeze, hoping that the gesture would suffice. 

“You asked about my bracelets awhile ago…well, I guess I’ll answer that one, too. One of them was from Michael, one from Anna, and this one…” he tugged at the black and gray one with a lone silver star bead. “This one was the one I had made for him. I— I couldn’t bare to part with it when they buried him. We had made them for each other to represent being a family. It’s…it’s one of the only things I have left of him.”

“I’m sorry I called them cheesy then,” Dean said, settling for humor as he always did in these situations.

It worked, Cas’ mouth twitching a little. 

“It’s alright. Michael said so, too, but he never took them off.” 

“Thank you….for telling me, I mean. I know that it was hard for you.” 

“You’re welcome. It was. But it does help to talk about him.” He continued to twirl the star bead, looking down at it. “I miss him…” 

Dean gave his shoulder another firm squeeze, and Cas finally met his eyes again. He wished there was something else he could do for him, wished he was better in these circumstances, but he really was shit at comforting people. 

“I’m sorry, man. I wish I coulda met him. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.” 

Strangely enough, Cas gave a little smile, even though he still held that sad look in his eyes. 

“Thank you, Dean. I think you two would’ve gotten along well.” 

“Well, whenever you feel like it, maybe you could tell me more about him. I’m sure you have some pretty good stories to tell.” 

The blue in Cas’ eyes brightened as he breathed a laugh, and Dean’s heart ached just a little less. Maybe he was better at cheering Cas up than he thought. 

“Yes…indeed I do.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth Time: Dean reveals his dreams for the future while Cas isn’t ready to reveal his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this chapter! My anxiety has been really bad lately, preventing me from writing, so I appreciate your patience, and I promise to not make you wait that long for the next one!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Saturday September 14

DEAN POV

“Next semester we should sign up for the same classes, that way I can just copy all your work.” Dean joked as he put away his now finished Calculus homework, and sat back on his bed, kicking off his shoes. 

They had just come back from the library, and his brain was officially fried. 

Cas had been nice enough to spend the last few hours helping him study for an upcoming test. The guy was a genius when it came to that kind of stuff. Hopefully all this studying would actually sink in. His dad would absolutely kill him if he failed any of his classes. 

“Dean, that would not benefit you- you would still have to take the tests by yourself.” Cas looked at him in shock, and Dean cracked a smile. 

He really didn’t get how someone could be so serious, but it was pretty freakin’ adorable. (And he was totally going to deny that he basically just called Cas adorable. Again.)

“Dude, I’m kidding. I wouldn’t do that. Well, I dunno, maybe....it’s just...it’s hard not to get discouraged. School has always been more Sammy’s thing, not mine.” 

Trying to be nonchalant, he shrugged. It was the truth, though. Dean wasn’t good at school, and never would be.

“You are smarter than you give yourself credit for, Dean. Besides, just because you’re not as astute in math as I am, doesn’t mean you’re not good at anything.” Cas sat down on his bed across from him, his blue eyes as piercing as ever. 

Sometimes he swore Cas could see into his soul with those eyes, but right now that just put him on the defensive. Studying math and feeling dumb didn’t exactly put him in a good mood.

“Oh, yeah, please- do tell. What exactly is it that I’m good at, then, huh?” 

Cas, forever patient, just smiled. 

“You are more of a creative person. You are very talented in music. You play the guitar beautifully, and you have a very nice voice.” 

He looked away before adding, “You are also an excellent cook. And a good teacher.” 

Dean’s heart accelerated at the thought of them in his kitchen throwing flour at each other and falling to the floor laughing. Of Cas’ dark hair powdered with white and a look of pure joy on his face. 

He ducked his head, smiling, his cheeks burning and most likely turning red. 

“Yeah, well, unfortunately that doesn’t mean anything to my dad. He doesn’t exactly hold creativity in high esteem.”

It was silent for a moment, Cas finally breaking it.

“Dean...I am probably overstepping, but I think you put too much importance on what your father thinks. I know children always want to make their parents proud, but...you shouldn’t do something just because he wants you to. You shouldn’t be a lawyer, if that’s not what you want to do. Especially if you’re not going to be happy.” 

“Maybe I’ll be happy once I’m actually doing it?”

Cas raised a knowing eyebrow at him. 

Dean gave an exasperated sigh.

“I mean, sure, my dad expects a lot out of me, but I know he just wants what’s best. He wants me to be successful. Graduate college, join his firm, get married and have 2.4 kids, a house, white picket fence, the whole nine yards. An apple pie life. What’s so wrong with wanting that for me?” 

Even as he said it, Dean’s stomach turned sour, and his chest tightened. 

Again Cas’ eyes bore into him, knowing exactly how he was feeling. “But is that what you want, Dean?” 

Dean looked down at his hands. No, that wasn’t what he wanted. That was what he was supposed to want, so why didn’t he?

“I dunno, man...I guess so.” 

He shrugged again, but in reality he was shoving all those emotions back into the far reaches of his mind, trying his hardest not to think about them, like a good Winchester.

In reality it was more complicated than whether he wanted it or not. It didn’t matter to his parents what he wanted, it never would, no matter how much he wished things were different. He knew he had to be the good son and do as he was told. 

“I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself.” Cas said plainly, as was usual for him, but anger flared up in his chest.

“Look, man, it’s not that simple, okay? I’m not like you, with no parents to answer to, with no expectations, no one telling you what to do.” 

As soon as he spit the words out, he regretted them. Cas looked taken aback and looked down at his lap. Dean took a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. I just- I just feel all this pressure on me, all the time, and I dunno, I just feel like I’m never going to be good enough.”

Silence passed between them again, Dean wishing he hadn’t even brought it up.

“I may not have had parents, but I had my own family. Anna...and Michael.” Cas took a deep breath before continuing. 

He could tell just saying his name made him emotional. Dean’s ears perked up to listen, interested in hearing more about his friend.

“Michael…he had the highest expectations for me. He knew I was smart, knew I could always do better, push myself harder. He...he wanted me to graduate and go to college....get a degree and make something of myself. Sometimes it was like all of his hopes and dreams were on me. So...I know that can be a lot, Dean.”

“Yeah, well, he was right. You’re super smart, Cas. Plus, those were your dreams, too, right? You love school.” 

Cas smiled sadly, but looked up at Dean again, their eyes meeting.

“Believe it or not, Dean, I used to be a very different person. I used to be reckless, with a...how did they say it? A devil-may-care attitude.”

Dean laughed, shaking his head.

“What? No way, man, I can’t even see you like that.” 

Cas nodded, his face serious. “Yes....I was so angry all the time, picking fights, getting into trouble. I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t see the need to.” 

“Wait, you’re serious?” 

Dean had a hard time imagining Cas in the way he described. He’d never even seen the guy get mad, not even a little bit.

“Yes.” He nodded, then looked down at his lap again, but Dean could tell he was trying to hide his tears. 

“When you lose someone, it...changes you. I realized I needed to reevaluate what I wanted. His dreams became my dreams because I wanted to honor his memory...atone.... I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, Dean....made so many mistakes....” 

Still not meeting his eyes, he continued even though his voice grew shaky. 

“Growing up in the system, I already had trust issues, but losing him, I- I wanted to shut myself away, never let anyone in again. But instead, I moved two and a half hours away from the only family I had, going to a new school, with new people...I have been trying to be the person Michael saw in me, and it’s hard. Some days are better than others, and I know I have you to thank for that, but...even though it’s hard, this is what I want to do. I want to do this for him, to make his sacrifice mean something.”

Dean sat stunned for a few moments, processing everything Cas had just shared with him. 

Sacrifice…Atone....what did that mean? 

Again, he knew he was still missing pieces of the puzzle. Dean’s heart ached for his friend, wished there was something he could do to take away his pain.

“Cas....”

“So, I guess what I’m saying is...maybe you need to be honest with yourself and with your father, and find something that you actually want to do. It’s your life, Dean, nobody else’s.”

Dean nodded slowly, and looked at the floor, knowing that he was right. But he just couldn’t say that to his dad, couldn’t bare to see that look on his face if he were to tell him that he didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. 

Just the thought of it made him nauseous. 

All Dean had ever wanted was for his dad to say that he was proud of him, to feel like he wasn’t a complete failure. 

“I know, Cas...you’re right. I just don’t know if I can do that....” he sighed, and peered up to meet Cas’ eyes again. 

Wanting to turn the mood around, he grinned. “Guess I’m not as brave as you.” 

The other boy smiled back, and he could just make out his cheeks turning pink. 

Dean’s eyes lingered on Cas for a little longer, trying to get a read on what he could be thinking. 

He was getting better at that. Cas’ tells were more subtle than most people’s because he had a pretty thick wall up, but if Dean watched him close enough, he could tell by his slight changes in body language what he could be thinking or feeling. It was also in his eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and this, Dean found, was especially true for Cas. 

Not that he was trying to watch him that closely, Dean was just a very observant person. Yep...

He also felt honored that Cas had opened up to him a little more without Dean asking. 

“Well...maybe one day you will be.” 

“Maybe.” He shrugged, his mouth still curved into a grin, but he let the subject drop, not wanting to think about it anymore. 

“Well, we should probably get going if we want to make it to the house today. Jo said something about us going to the movies.” 

With one more lingering glance, they packed up their stuff, putting their shoes back on, and headed down to his Baby.

“About time,” Jo exclaimed from the couch when she heard them come through the door. 

“Hey, ya know, some people were actually doing important stuff,” Dean teased, giving Jo a wink as they sauntered over to the group. 

Jo stuck her tongue out at him, but gave a smile and wave to Cas. Benny gave a wave from his spot, and Sammy got up to give Dean a hug.

“Hey, kiddo,” Dean ruffled his brother’s shaggy brown hair. 

He and Sam were never big on showing affection, but since he’d been off at college, it seemed Sam had started hugging him more often. Which Dean certainly wasn’t going to complain about. He missed Sammy like crazy, but you weren’t going to hear him say anything about that either. 

“Hey, Cas.” Sam smiled as they sat on the couch with the others. 

“Hello, Sam.” He nodded his greeting, and they joined the others on the couch and recliners. 

“So, what’s on the agenda today? Movies?” Dean directed his question towards Jo, and kicked his shoes off, getting comfortable in his spot. 

“I was thinking about it. Y’all good with that?”

They all agreed, some nodding, some giving a noncommittal shrug. 

“Well before we go, though, I wanted to see if y’all could help out next weekend at Heavenscape. We’re gonna be short a few people, so we could really use the help.”

“Hey, you know I’m always down for some extra cash. Maybe Cas can help, too.” Dean nudged him, smiling. 

Dammit, why did he always have to invite Cas along to everything? He was trying to put distance between them, not get closer. 

Cas frowned back at him, his head tilting to the side the way it always did when he was confused, and Dean had to ignore how his heart reacted to it. 

“You know, at the wedding venue. Ellen pays for helping with set up, clean up, and with serving and what-not. It’s always pretty fun, and she makes it worth your while,” he explained.

“Oh. Well, yes, I would like that. I could definitely use the money right now.”

Suddenly, Jo gasped loudly, scaring the living daylights out of them. They all flinched and looked her way.

“Oh my gosh, you should invite Anna!” She exclaimed with a crazy look in her eyes.

‘Great, what was she planning?’

“You didn’t have to give us all a heart attack,” Benny grumbled, clutching at his chest. 

“No kidding, geez,” Sam shook his head.

Jo just swatted his arm and stuck her tongue out at them.

“Well, excuse me for being excited. Seriously, though, Cas, you should tell her to come.”

He nodded. “I will ask her. Hopefully she can get off of work. I do miss her.”

“Awesome! Oh, and before I forget, you do have black slacks, a white button down, and a black tie right? That’s what all the servers have to wear.”

Cas gave a deer in headlights look, and Dean instantly knew that Cas did not, in fact, have those kinds of clothes.

“I uh…”

“Hey, you know, maybe Dean has something that’ll fit you,” Sam suggested. 

The brothers shared a smile, Dean communicating his gratitude through a look, and got to his feet. 

“That’s a great idea, Sammy. Come on, Cas, let’s go see if anything’ll work for ya.” 

He motioned for his friends to follow, expecting the others to come along, too, but instead, Jo ushered Sam and Benny into the kitchen to gather the snacks they planned to sneak into the movie later.

Dean hesitated for a second when he reached the staircase, playing it off that he was just waiting to make sure Cas was behind him, but in reality, he was a little nervous about being alone with him. 

He worried he would do something really really stupid, what with how his emotions and hormones were acting lately. 

This past week he’d tried to avoid being alone with Cas. Well, as much as he could anyway. After all, he did live with the guy. He hated it, but he just didn’t trust himself until all of this calmed down. Whatever “all of this” was.

When they made it up to his room, he went to his walk-in closet, pulling open the door.

“Okay, let’s see what we got here.” Dean began searching for his dress clothes, Cas standing just outside the door. 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas said so quietly, he almost missed it. 

He looked over his shoulder and grinned.

“No problem, man.”

Finding his white button down, he pulled it out and passed it to him, then went deep diving for his slacks. He knew they were back there somewhere…

“Dean?” Cas said after a few moments in silence.

“Hang on, I think I almost found ‘em.”

“Dean…did-did I do something to upset you this past week?”

Dean cringed. He had hoped that Cas had been too busy to notice that he was avoiding him, but apparently not. Today had been the most time he had spent with him because of his need to study, and now that just made him feel like shit.

Of course he couldn’t let Cas know that he had, indeed, been avoiding him, so being the terrible person that he was, he lied. 

“What? Of course not. Why would you think that?”

He took another quick glance over his shoulder. Cas was crossing his arms over his chest, looking forlornly at the ground, and Dean’s chest tightened, feeling even more like an asshole.

“I don’t know… I just feel like I’ve hardly seen you. You haven’t been running all week either. Do you…do you not want to anymore?”

“No, no, that’s not it at all. I just… I’ve just been busy, that’s all. Ya know, and I’ve just been stressin’ about my Calculus class. We can go running tomorrow morning if you want.”

A small grin pulled at Cas’ lips, his whole body relaxing. He gave a tentative nod. 

“I would like that.”

Dean turned back to his clothes, breathing a sigh of relief. He really was an asshole.

When he finally found his black slacks, he joined Cas outside the closet.

“Okay, try these on, see how they fit.”

He took them, paused a moment, then went into the closet, shutting the door behind him.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck, taking another deep breath. He knew he couldn’t keep avoiding Cas like that, it wasn’t his fault his emotions were all over the place. If Dean wanted Cas to trust him, then that was not the way to go. Plus, he did miss him. 

God, why was this all so confusing?

Cas emerged from the closet still tucking in the dress shirt, which looked just slightly too big in the shoulders, but Dean had to catch his breath regardless. His mouth spoke before his brain caught up.

“Damn, you clean up nice.”

Heat flooded his cheeks when he realized he had said it out loud. He tried to recover, acting casual, and went up to him, starting to straighten out the shirt. He avoided eye contact as long as possible, but when he finally did meet Cas’ eyes, they were shy and smiling, and of course as blue as ever. 

Dean’s eyes then had minds of their own and decided to travel down to his lips, his heart hammering in his chest. Cas’ body seemed to shift closer, and Dean had to snap himself out of it. 

He took a step backwards, clearing his throat loudly, chanting in his head, ‘no, no, no, no, no, no.’

“So, uh, yeah it’s a little big, but not enough to matter, I don’t think. And I have an extra black tie, too.” 

He internally shoved his feelings back into their rightful place.

Cas nodded again, taking a step back as well.

“Thank you, Dean. I appreciate you helping me with this.”

“It’s no problem. What size shoes do you wear?” He peered down at Cas’ socked feet.

“Twelve to thirteen, depending on the make.”

His eyebrows shot up, “Oh. Okay then, Mr. Bigfoot, you’ll have to buy some dress shoes, I’m only a size eleven.”

“That’s alright, that shouldn’t be too much.”

Dean smirked, feeling a bit calmer with the distance between them. He swore, Cas was a fucking magnet, and he had no idea what to do about it. 

“Yeah, and you’ll be more than making up for it with what you’ll be bringing in just for that one night. Ellen pays her people very well. Shit, that’s how I was able to pay for fixing up Baby.”

“I thought you said Bobby helped you with Baby?”  
Cas questioned, tilting his head again.

Dean breathed a laugh.

“Bobby helped me work on her, but I saved all my money to pay for all the parts and stuff from when I worked for Ellen.”

“Well, I look forward to meeting them. They sound very nice.” 

“Yeah, they’re great. Definitely a lot better than my parents, that’s for sure.”

Cas went back into the closet to change back into his regular clothes, and they headed back downstairs to join the others.

“Everything fit okay?” Jo asked when she saw them.  
Dean gave a thumbs up. “Everything’s good to go. So, what movie are we seein’?”

Okay, so see, he could do this, he didn’t have to avoid Cas. He just had to keep things under wraps, had to keep a little distance between them so he didn’t get sucked into his gravitational pull. No problem-o, right?

CAS POV

They ended up going to see a movie called ‘Hustlers.’

The guys made a big deal about it because it was about strippers, so Cas had to endure all the “guy talk” about breasts and butts. 

Jo didn’t think Sam should see it since it was rated R, and they had gone back and forth about it for awhile, but in the end, Dean had the final day so, and allowed it.

It ended up being pretty good, not his first choice, but at least it had been something he could handle. Afterwards, they all headed over to the food court for dinner. 

Cas was happy to be hanging out with Dean again. He wanted to believe him when he said he hadn’t been avoiding him, but he couldn’t ignore the feeling that something had changed between them. He wasn’t sure what, but he hoped that maybe they could go back to the way things had been before. 

Hopefully Dean still wanted to be his friend, and he hadn’t somehow ruined things.

Dean was sitting next to him (he had also sat by him in the theater), so at least that was a good start. 

“Okay, so Dean, Truth Time,” Sam said from across the table.

Dean groaned. “Ah, come on, not now, Sammy.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” his little brother countered.

“Yeah, I love Truth Time,” Jo grinned from Cas’ other side.

“Okay, I go first then.” Dean said.

“No way, my turn since I said it first, that’s the rule.” Sam argues. 

Dean relented, rolling his eyes and shrugging.

Cas looked between the two brothers, confused. 

“What is Truth Time?”

“It’s this game that Sammy made up to torture me,” Dean breathed a laugh.

Cas tried not to flinch at the word.

“Whoever says Truth Time gets to ask a question. In a group setting like this, you can either ask everyone or single someone out. And the people or person has to tell the truth.” Sam explained.

“Alright, come on, then, what’s your question?” Dean frowned, not seeming too pleased with the prospect. 

“Okay, so I’ll ask the whole group. If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?”

Cas heard Dean sigh.

“Easy,” Benny spoke up. “Psychologist. I’d have my own practice.”

“I would…” Jo started, chewing on the end of a French fry. “I would never have to attend another wedding or deal with another damn Bridezilla ever again. I would be a singer and be on a worldwide tour. I’d travel the world, and get the hell outta Kansas. But of course I’d come back to see all of you,” she added with a wink, grinning good-naturedly. 

Sam turned to look at Dean, but Dean looked at Cas to answer. 

“I…I don’t actually know,” he admitted. 

“Really?” Sam asked, surprised.

“I really hadn’t gotten that far. My- my goal was to get into college and graduate. I don’t exactly know where I want to go from there.”

“Well, you’re a genius, man, you could probably do anything you wanted to.” Dean said between big bites of his cheeseburger.

Cas gave a small grin.

“Thank you, Dean. I appreciate your confidence in my abilities.”

“What about you, Dean?” Sam turned his attention to his brother, who, if Cas had to guess, was his true target when he asked the question.

Sam was smart. Cas had a feeling maybe he had come up with this little game in order to get Dean to open up to him, to tell him how he was really feeling. Dean was a genuine, caring person, but he also tended to be very private, keeping a lot of things to himself. In that regards, they were very similar.

The mood turned serious as they all turned to look at Dean. He was staring off into the distance, almost as if he hadn’t heard the question, but then he smirked and gave a huff.

“You know what would be really cool?” He paused, still looking into the void, as if he were imagining what he was about to say. All of them were quiet, waiting for him to continue.

“If I owned a Roadhouse. There’d be a bar, and of course, the best burgers in town. The best pie, too. And we’d have live bands play on the weekends, some nights karaoke. Benny, I’d put you in charge of picking the bands, managing who got the gigs. Jo, you’d be in charge of the wait staff, you already know how to boss people around. Sammy’d be the accountant, keeping up with all the books and legal crap. And I’d be the Head Chef, and every week I’d have a new Chef Special.”

Everyone was smiling, and Dean had a goofy grin on his face. Cas’ chest tightened when he realized that Dean thought he would never have the dream he was speaking of. Dean, of all people, deserved to be happy and live this dream. 

His stomach dropped, too, when he realized that he was not included in this dream of his. But of course he wasn’t, they had only known each other for a few weeks. What did he expect?

Suddenly, Dean clapped a hand on his back.

“And Cas, you could be my Sous Chef, once you finished training with me.”

Their eyes met, and Cas couldn’t help but beam at him. Dean had included him. His cheeks heated at the thought of them in the kitchen throwing flour at each other. Yes, Cas liked the idea of Dean’s dream. He liked it a lot.

“Anna could be the bartender,” Cas added, nodding his approval, and Dean lit up.

“Oh yeah, I forgot that’s what she does! That’s perfect!”

“It’s not a bad idea, brother,” Benny grinned, and everyone else nodded, smiling.

“I do like bossing people around.” Jo chimed in.

“Yeah, I like it,” Sam agreed.

And Cas couldn’t help but love the fact that Dean’s dream included all of his closest friends and family. It was heartwarming that he wanted everyone he cared for involved, to be together, using each of their strengths to make something special. It was poetic somehow, and Cas loved it.

It made it that much more heartbreaking when Dean’s face turned somber, looking down at his plate.

“Yeah, it’s a nice thought. It would be cool.”

That night, when Cas was laying on the couch in Dean’s room, trying to go to sleep, his mind drifted back to Dean’s picture of the imagined Roadhouse. 

He envisioned himself working side by side in a kitchen with Dean, of finally having overcome his fear of a blade and fire, of being able to work with his new friends everyday, and he couldn’t help but feel excitement for the future. 

What if he could have that? Was it possible? 

Castiel had never really imagined a future for himself beyond school, but now that this idea had taken root, he found that he wanted it more than anything. 

It was a strange feeling. He had only known these people for a month, but he felt that he had finally found somewhere he belonged. 

“Hey, Cas? You awake?” He heard Dean whisper into the dark. 

Apparently he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. He smiled, and wondered for a moment if Dean had been imagining the same thing as him.

“Yes, I’m awake.” 

He rolled onto his left side, facing the bed, the faint moonlight from the window casting shadows on the walls. 

“Truth Time?” 

Cas smiled, remembering the rest of their game at the food court. Dean had asked his brother about Jessica, the girl he liked, and what the real reason was he hadn’t asked her out yet. 

His answer was very mature, but coming from Sam that wasn’t surprising. He said that he saw a future with her, and that scared him, not sure if he wanted something so serious at such a young age. 

Dean had teased him relentlessly about it the rest of the night.

Cas could tell that Dean was proud of his little brother despite his bravado, and he loved being able to witness their deep bond. 

Cas nodded, forgetting that he most likely couldn’t see him, then said, “Sure.”

“Do you…do you see yourself with Anna? Ya know, apple pie life ‘n everythin’?” 

Cas’ heart immediately began to hammer in his chest, anxiety making his stomach churn. 

What should he do? What should he say? Did he tell the truth? 

He desperately wanted to cling to his new found friends, didn’t want to lose them now, not when he was just feeling like he belonged. 

At the same time, he was so tired of lying….but would Dean be as accepting if he knew? 

“I….I don’t know…” 

“Come on, man…seriously…you said earlier today I wasn’t being honest with myself, and you were right. I don’t want what my dad wants. The Roadhouse? That was real. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now. That’s what I really want. Now it’s your turn. You gotta start being honest with yourself about what you want.” 

Cas had to take a steadying breath. No, it was too soon, he wasn’t ready to lose him. He couldn’t tell him the truth. Not yet. 

“That is the truth, Dean. I…I think I’ve spent so much energy trying to get here, where I’m at now, that I haven’t had the chance to think about it any further than this. I’m- kinda just taking it one day at a time. But…I quite liked your Roadhouse concept.” 

He smiled into the dark. At least most of that was the truth. That would have to be enough right now. 

Dean let out a huff. “It is a really cool idea, huh?”

“Yes. I think I can see myself doing that. I’m going to need a lot of practice in the kitchen, though.”

Dean’s laugh was loud in the stillness, and Cas’ smile widened.

“Yeah, I guess we have a lot of work to do, then.”

Now that the danger was over, he felt himself start to relax, but the guilt still nestled into the pit of his stomach. 

He would tell him eventually, he just needed more time. 

Besides, the last time he came out to someone, it didn’t exactly end up the way he had hoped. No, Michael did not react well to Cas drunkenly kissing him and telling him he was in love with him. 

This time Cas wanted to come out the right way, but when he was sure it wouldn’t scare Dean away. He just needed more time. 

And maybe with more time, Dean would start to feel the same way about him.


End file.
